I'm Not Going To Try Anymore

I'm not going to try anymore. I know that sounds like a whiny, giving up kind of statement, but I am not intending it that way. Trying to do something implies right off the bat that you don't think you can do it. Every time I have tried something, it either meant I was just doing it to please someone else, or that I didn't really think I would be any good at it and didn't really want to be. Trying represents forcing, pushing, struggling, sprinkled with an unhealthy dose of resentment. I'm not talking about stuff like trying a new restaurant, or trying a new activity, because that type of trying is fun, adventurous and I completely encourage it. I am referring to things like "I'll try to get it done" and "I am trying so hard to make this work."

Trying implies something forced - not at all natural. No good ever comes from that. I work best when I do something that I am excited about and that I feel compelled to share. It flows through me in a full-force natural sort of way. I included the picture of my shop banner because that was something that I didn't try to do. When I made it, I didn't set out to. Etsy had recommended using Canva, so I just went on there to play. I experimented with many designs and fonts, just so I could learn what the site could do. I ended up choosing the combination of things that I loved, and my new banner was born. Every time I go into my shop, I like what I see. And I wasn't even trying...

When I created the Goddess, I was inspired by the beauty of a lake near my home. I had walked there numerous times, but on this particular morning, I was overwhelmed by the beauty of it. The emotion flowed through me and I went home and immediately created her. I simply wanted something to represent how I was feeling. I wanted something to reflect how beautiful this planet is and that we need more peace to heal it. Because I love this Goddess and what she represented, I thought she was the perfect addition to my shop banner.

From the creation of the "Peace on Earth" Goddess ornament, to the selection of colors and font for my banner, it just felt right. And I love the end result.

This morning, while walking my dog, I saw this tree and was impressed with the color of the leaves. I love this time of year and this was the first sign I have seen that it really is fall. I quickly snapped the photo while my 80 pound Akita/Boxer was pulling me to keep going. I didn't try to get the perfect shot, I just hit the button. Since it was early and the sun hadn't quite finished rising, the flash went off and I thought "Well that shot won't turn out, I'll have to come back later." I was pleasantly surprised when I got home and took a look at what the camera had captured.

So, moving forward with my business and creating a life that I love waking up to each day, I won't try. I will take positive steps inspired by what I love. I'll bet I end up on an amazing journey that will far surpass the path I would travel if I keep on trying. Sometimes the best results just sort of happen. It may have something to do with the saying "You just need to get out of your own way." I intend to do just that, by not trying. This shouldn't be mistaken for laziness, like I am just not going to do anything at all. Quite the contrary. I believe that my productivity will actually increase because I won't be so busy trying to do something, I will just be inspired to do it!

Since fall is about releasing and letting go, I fully release the need to try to make things happen. I let go and allow life to flow through me. I am excited to find out just how many of my conversations can start with "The most amazing thing just happened..." 

What Next?

Two weeks ago, I held my friends' hand as she was taking her last few breaths. Nothing quite like someone you love passing away to cause you to re-evaluate your priorities. In the small gaps between gushes of tears, I have been thinking a lot about how to live a more fulfilling life. As I was writing Jill's obituary outlining her many achievements, I thought 'What have I been doing?'

It is a little depressing to realize that if something happened to me about all anyone could write was she raised an amazing son, worked way too long in a career field she didn't enjoy, made some art and wrote in her journal. The rest of it would say "She had always planned to travel, be a gypsy, dance in the forest, and set her suppressed wild heart free, helping others to heal through her writing and art." With this realization, I decided that unless I want this to be true, I must get off my sorrow filled butt and do something about it.

I have 85 journals filled with what I'd like to do and a piece of notebook paper that lists what I've actually done. For 47 years, I have lived mostly in my head. It is time to change that and actually live through action, not thought. For the past 2 years, I have been working in a job that I knew wasn't right for me. It took a mini nervous breakdown to make me realize that I had to resign. Then to make sure that I was really paying attention, during my last week of work my friend died. So the month of August consisted not only of a mental and physical wake up call, but a spiritual one as well.

Ok, now you've got my attention. Things are changing - big time. What am I going to do with this? I know I need to change my career path and make writing, art and healing a priority. I also know that I need to get out of my head and share the person that I am. I want to sell my house, buy a 5th wheel trailer, and a truck to pull it. I dream of painting the interior in rich gypsy colors, filling it with velvet and  lace pillows, my favorite books and hitting the road. I want to write of my travels and uncover my soul. I know it is in there, buried under the pain of loss of family, friends, relationships and crusty layers of responsibility and obligation.

It just occurred to me that this sounds a lot like a mid-life crisis. If it is, I say "bring it on" 'cause I'm gonna have an awesome one. I hope it lasts for the rest of my life. I spent 47 years living how I thought I was supposed to and how other people thought I should. Now, I want to live the way I want to, no longer jumping through someone else's hoops. Only my own, once I hula with it.

What I Learned From Jill

Sometimes you learn the most without even trying. This knowledge is gained slowly, over many years, through a teacher who isn't even attempting to teach you anything. It is wisdom you gain through friendship, just by being around someone special.

In addition to being my best friend, Jill is also my best teacher. She has accomplished so much in her life just by doing the things she loves. I love hearing stories about Jill, how she volunteered for the Peace Corp in Gambia West Africa, spent time teaching special education in Hawaii and Florida, and later moved to Colorado where she became the first female Chief of Police in the State. She did some more teaching after that, but I met her when she served as a Case Manager at a local transitional housing program. After she retired, she continued working as a volunteer, delivering meals on wheels and at a local wildlife rehabilitation center taking care of injured and abandoned squirrels. I only worked with Jill for 5 years, but we have remained friends ever since.

I have watched Jill in action for around 15 years. She survived the Lyons flood of 2013, and we worked together (with many, many others) to rebuild her home after the St. Vrain River attempted to wash it away. During this time, she was always making sure that everyone in the town was taken care of. I remember saying to her one day, "Hey Jill, you should let some of the other volunteers do this, you know you lost your house too." But that is Jill, always helping those in need and forgetting that she might need something also. In the days after the flood, Jill would make frequent trips to Lyons to make sure that the squirrels in her yard had food and fresh water.

I have learned so much from Jill. She taught me to always do what you can, to love what you do, to keep going, take time out to be silly and laugh, to give away what you aren't using, to try new things, and to have a big heart. Jill taught me how to help people without enabling them, how to be supportive, encouraging, and how to make a difference.

I am devestated that I had to say goodbye to her on August 31, 2016. I am also feeling so blessed because of all of the amazing things she did in this world, she chose to spend some of her life with me. I am a better person because of her, and I am forever grateful.

Two days after Jill passed,  I heard a squirrel hit the roof of my house. He began squawking and chirping. It was so loud it was bordering on being obnoxious. He kept up a solid stream of loud chirping until I finally looked out the window to see if he was ok. I was hanging out the window and looked up to see this squirrel on the peak of the roof of my house looking down at me. He let out a series of noises that almost sounded like he was laughing. Our eyes met and I felt a connection that could only be described as a "knowingness" that Jill is ok. I told the squirrel "Message received little buddy, thanks!" and he scampered off. I know it sounds like I am just sleep deprieved and a little delusional over the loss of my friend, but I think Jill sent one of her squirrels to let me know she's alright. And even if I am delusional, well, at least it made me smile.

Jill has impacted my life in so many ways and has inspired me to shine my light in this world. I am so blessed to have known Jill and am grateful that she was in my life. There is so much I want to say about this amazing woman, but the bottom line is that she is a shining example of what people can be and has inspired me to continue to grow as a person and to do what I can to make a positive difference in the lives of others.

I love you my dear friend Jill, you will be missed. I will make sure the squirrels are fed.

Finding Opportunity

There's a difference between quitting and knowing when you 've had enough. At first, I didn't understand that they weren't the same thing. I believed there was something wrong with me, that I was horribly flawed and unable to handle what others found easy. I kept pushing myself to do work that I knew was not right for me. I forged on day after day because I told myself that I had to, that there was no other way. Just keep going - hell, I had even labeled the alarm on my phone that way, keep going. I wanted to believe that it would get easier and I would magically one day reach the happiness that would make all of the struggle worth it. What I failed to see was that the end result wasn't my happiness that I was working towards, it was someone else's. I was busting my ass for someone else's dream and wondering why I wasn't fulfilled.

I accepted the job offer almost 2 years ago. I knew in the first week that I had bitten off more than I could chew. I felt overwhelmed most of the time, but managed to keep my head above water and eventually became pretty good at my job. Then a merger happened and my work load drastically increased, but my hours stayed the same. I thought I could handle it, I put in more effort and struggled even more. I gained weight, was exhausted and started having gall-bladder issues. I would wake up each morning around 2:30 thinking about everything I had to do. Sunday afternoon, feelings of anxiety would surface because of the approaching Monday.

I was a stressed out mess. I had been asking for help for over 6 months. Then I realized that it wasn't going to change, there was always going to be too much to do. For the length of my employment there was always something causing an increased workload with the promise of relief to come at a future time. Relief had forgotten to stop by my office and I reached my limit. I sent an email to my supervisor stating that I was too stressed to complete my work that day and that I was going home. I couldn't face her, but I couldn't just walk out because you are supposed to give two weeks notice. In the email I explained that I would be back the next day to complete my last two weeks of work. I felt awful that I couldn't handle myself in a more professional manner. I went home and cried for hours until I fell asleep.

I returned the next day and had a panic attack as soon as I unlocked my office door. It immediately became too hot in there, my heart was racing and I couldn't breathe. I went and sat down and focused on taking slow, deep breaths. I was able to bring myself out of panic mode after about 15 minutes. The next day began the same way, but only lasted for 10 minutes. My supervisor stopped by my office to try to convince me to stay. She suggested I take a few days off and we'd go from there. I did take several days off, but was unable to relax. I was really jumpy and sensitive to sounds and light. I went to the doctor for a solution. I explained that I was experiencing job stress related panic attacks. I am not one to take medication, and wanted to find out how the stress was affecting me and how to manage the stress better. She prescribed Ativan and an anti-depressant used to treat anxiety.  I filled the prescriptions and left feeling like she didn't hear a word I said.

When I got home, I read the warnings on the prescriptions and decided  not to take them. The precautions and side effects seemed way scarier that what I was currently experiencing. I faced a choice. I could continue working at my current job and take the meds to be able to handle it, or I could choose to find (or create) a working situation that would be better for me. I thought about how ridiculous it seemed to have to be medicated in order to manage the stress of your job. Something is very wrong with that scenario, did I really want to be a part of that? It's not like this was popping a benadryl to be able to handle a roomate's cat. Brain chemistry is a delicate balance and messing with it shouldn't be handled in a 10 minute appointment with someone you've never met before. Was I willing to medicate myself to be able to handle a job that I didn't really love in the first place?

I returned to work 5 days later and confirmed my resignation. I learned that I had reached my limit. Instead of feeling like a quitter, I had found strength in admitting that the requirements of this job were too much for me. The pressure had pushed me too far and even though I was feeling better, I knew it wouldn't take much to send me back to feeling like my skin was on inside out. It took a lot of courage for me to admit that I cannot do it all, but now I know that I am not supposed to.

I learned so much through this process. Some of it I already knew, but refused to accept. I am a highly sensitive person, empathic, creative, unconventional and I tend to see things differently than the majority. When you put me in a fast paced corporate accounting department, it is like putting a koala bear in the center of an L.A. freeway. It throws the koala into panic mode and it throws off the drivers in a rush to reach their destination. Sometimes it causes a big wreck and everyone just stops and stares.

I once read that the greatest opportunity can be found when a limit is reached. I didn't just reach my limit, I hit it head on at 100 mph.  So once I recover from the crash, I will find my opportunity. I am smiling already because of the idea that there is an opportunity out there for me. Even if I don't know exactly what it is, I am excited about the possibility of it. I imagine something wonderfully creative, working from home in a calm and nurturing environment. I can't wait to see how this unfolds!

A Perfect Message

On the drive home from my day job my thoughts drifted to my future. I have become increasingly agitated with my current career choice. Where I am no longer suits me and I am completely unfulfilled. For as long as I can remember I have wanted to be a writer. Life circumstances have pushed it aside but I always return to my desire to write. Lately I have been giving a lot of thought to what I want to do next in my life. I know that my soul cries each day that I stay in my current line of work, I need something more.

I was stopped at a red light on my way home tonight and my thoughts returned to my writing. I asked myself "What ever happened to the woman who wanted to write her stories in order to help others to heal?"  At that moment, a single white feather floated down from the sky right in front of my car. If that is not a sign from the Universe, I don't know what would be. I smiled the rest of the way home, knowing that I must return to the part of me that wants to write.

I have abandoned my writing for various reasons over the years. At times I was too distracted by other people's problems that I thought I needed to fix. Other times it was because I was stuck in survival mode. I hate to admit this one, but I have even given up on my writing because of the opinion of family. Each time I abandon it, writing finds it's way back. And here it is again, bubbling up to the surface. I must write. I have tried and been unsuccessful at most everything else, trying to avoid it or to pretend writing is not was I am supposed to be doing. You know that phrase that says something about doing the thing that you resist the most? Well it is true, I resist it but secretly really want it but am scared of it all at the same time.

I have finally reached the point of having to do it. I never really tried, gave it my all, really put forth my best effort. I have hundreds of journals filled with pages about wanting to write and why I don't. It's actually quite pathetic. Years and years of journals that all say pretty much the same thing, "I want to be a writer." I really want the next stack of journals to be filled with "I am a writer" instead.

When I left my last job to pursue my art career full time, I never imagined that I would have to return to a day job. It was the ultimate betrayal to my soul. I really thought that everything would just magically fall into place because I took such a leap of faith. As a few bills started piling up, I panicked and lost faith in myself. It got a little too scary and I jumped back into the safety of a steady paycheck. I need to make sure that I play it a little smarter this time with a smooth career transition instead of a manic leap.

I get upset when I think about how stupid it is that so many people are forced by circumstances to spend so much of their waking hours doing things that they don't enjoy just to survive. It does not seen right to me. I really believe that we all have things we are good at and enjoy doing that we can make a living at. I just need to prove it, and lead by example. My first attempt didn't turn out so well, either did my second. Maybe the third time really is the charm. I hope so, and if not what choice do I have but to just keep going? My name is Rae Crow and I am a writer, artist and healer. And one day, dammit, I will be able to make a living at it!

I Am Strong Enough

I Am Strong Enough

I am strong enough to leave unhealthy relationships.
I am strong enough to stand up for myself.
I am strong enough to come face to face with what I fear.
I am strong enough to look at myself and see what I need to work on.
I am strong enough to conquer my addictions whether they are to people, substances or behaviors.
I am strong enough to pursue a career that I love.
I am strong enough to travel my own path, even when those I care about disapprove.
I am strong enough to say "no" so that I have time to nurture and heal myself.
I am strong enough to love being me.
                                              - Rae Crow

I made this Goddess and wrote this poem as a tribute to my own personal healing journey. I hope that it will inspire others to realize that they too are strong enough. Although each persons journey is different, we all have things to overcome and heal. I use my Goddess during meditation, when I need to remember my strength and find solutions to any challenges.

Custom Goddesses are available here: https://www.etsy.com/listing/199690389/i-am-strong-enough-empowerment-goddess?

Willingness to Release

     This week I focused on release. I created this Goddess to honor the assistance I received when I asked for help in releasing things in my life that no longer suited me. During the past year, I have made huge progress in releasing people and situations that were not healthy for me but I had several things about myself that I wanted to let go of. It was time to let go of personal behaviors that no longer suited me. Sometimes change is gradual and subtle, like you just naturally outgrow something and aren't really sure exactly when or how it happened.

     Other types of change are more drastic. That is what I experienced this week. I had been pushing too hard to make things happen. I learned that forcing, pushing and acting out of fear only makes the thing you are asking for move away from you. I was acting out of sheer desperation and it only brought me to a meltdown. I had no choice but to surrender and ask for help making necessary changes in my life.

     When I used to think about wanting to change, I viewed it negatively. I had the belief that I was bad or wrong and if I changed, I would be viewed as good and worthy of reward. Now that I have implemented change I can see that I've always been good and deserving but my behaviors weren't in line with the highest intentions that I have for myself. Therefore, my actions were causing me to feel bad about myself , lowering my vibration and draining my energy. Hardly the right environment for receiving abundance. So it wasn't that God/Goddess was punishing me (old childhood belief that I can now release,) it was that I wasn't living in a way that made me feel good about myself. That made it impossible to attract the things I wanted in my life.

     Now that I have made some changes, I see movement in my life and things are beginning to flow to me. I also see that the "things" aren't actually the reward. The best reward for the changes I've made is how I feel about myself. I am proud of myself for being true to me and being one step closer to the highest intentions I have for myself.

     It is amazing how things unfold once you make a commitment to something. I made a commitment to create the life I want and the tools to help me just showed up. A few of the things that really helped were asking for help from God/Goddess and the Angels, Doreen Virtue's book Angels of Abundance (which I downloaded here: http://www.amazon.com/Angels-Abundance-Heavens-Messages-Manifest-ebook/dp/B00IOX0744/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1405179356&sr=8-1&keywords=angels+of+abundance+doreen+virtue ) I also came across the most useful sentence I have ever heard. Thanks to Marie Forleo for saying "And there is plenty more where that came from." If you haven't already seen Marie TV, I highly recommend visiting: http://www.marieforleo.com/ Marie has been extremely helpful since I have decided to pursue my dreams as a writer and artist. I should also mention Marianne Williamson and her book A Woman's Worth (http://www.amazon.com/A-Womans-Worth-Marianne-Williamson/dp/0345386574 because reading that book was what really prompted my journey and gave me the courage to leave unhealthy relationships. I am grateful for all of the assistance I received in making changes. I know that life is ever changing and I will continue to change and grow. I really feel that I just made it through a significant personal transformation and it was able to occur because I was willing to release.