I was stopped at a red light on my way home tonight and my thoughts returned to my writing. I asked myself "What ever happened to the woman who wanted to write her stories in order to help others to heal?" At that moment, a single white feather floated down from the sky right in front of my car. If that is not a sign from the Universe, I don't know what would be. I smiled the rest of the way home, knowing that I must return to the part of me that wants to write.
I have abandoned my writing for various reasons over the years. At times I was too distracted by other people's problems that I thought I needed to fix. Other times it was because I was stuck in survival mode. I hate to admit this one, but I have even given up on my writing because of the opinion of family. Each time I abandon it, writing finds it's way back. And here it is again, bubbling up to the surface. I must write. I have tried and been unsuccessful at most everything else, trying to avoid it or to pretend writing is not was I am supposed to be doing. You know that phrase that says something about doing the thing that you resist the most? Well it is true, I resist it but secretly really want it but am scared of it all at the same time.
I have finally reached the point of having to do it. I never really tried, gave it my all, really put forth my best effort. I have hundreds of journals filled with pages about wanting to write and why I don't. It's actually quite pathetic. Years and years of journals that all say pretty much the same thing, "I want to be a writer." I really want the next stack of journals to be filled with "I am a writer" instead.
When I left my last job to pursue my art career full time, I never imagined that I would have to return to a day job. It was the ultimate betrayal to my soul. I really thought that everything would just magically fall into place because I took such a leap of faith. As a few bills started piling up, I panicked and lost faith in myself. It got a little too scary and I jumped back into the safety of a steady paycheck. I need to make sure that I play it a little smarter this time with a smooth career transition instead of a manic leap.
I get upset when I think about how stupid it is that so many people are forced by circumstances to spend so much of their waking hours doing things that they don't enjoy just to survive. It does not seen right to me. I really believe that we all have things we are good at and enjoy doing that we can make a living at. I just need to prove it, and lead by example. My first attempt didn't turn out so well, either did my second. Maybe the third time really is the charm. I hope so, and if not what choice do I have but to just keep going? My name is Rae Crow and I am a writer, artist and healer. And one day, dammit, I will be able to make a living at it!
