Transformation

I am going through a really intense period of transformation. Things that I previously accepted into my life no longer satisfy me. I want more. I want more income, better health, a more rewarding career, a bigger house, my own bathroom, more fun, more joy, more laughter. I just want more life. Not the kind of life that just goes by day after day, paycheck to paycheck. That is mere existence. I want actual life. The kind that you look forward to every morning when you wake up. The kind of life that excites you enough to get out of bed before you hit the snooze button.

I am determined to create this type of life for myself. These feelings surfaced several weeks ago. I began noticing butterflies and moths everywhere. They are outside my window every time I look out. They fly near my car when I drive. One morning I felt something wet on my arm. I couldn't imagine what it could be. It wasn't raining and even if it had been, my roof doesn't leak. Puzzled, I looked up to find a huge gypsy moth on the beam above me. This gorgeous moth was over four inches wide. I have never seen such a big moth. I wish I hadn't been too busy disinfecting my arm to get a picture of it. What are the chances of a moth dropping bodily secretions on my left arm at 6:00 in the morning in my kitchen? Not odds I could easily locate on statistics.com. It must be a sign. I didn't even know that Colorado had moths that big.

I looked up the symbolism for moths and butterflies. Both relate to what is happening in my life.

Moth: Navigates through darkness through inner knowing and faith. Strong determination.

Butterfly: Uses faith to undergo transition.

I also read something about a butterfly having a life cycle of about a month. Which leads to the symbolism of transforming yourself and your life in a short amount of time. The transformation is so intense that your former self is no longer recognizable at the end.

That's what I want. I am grateful for the changes in my life, embrace them without judgment, and move through them with full faith.

After realizing the beautiful message that the gypsy moth had delivered, I couldn't hold any bad feelings that she pooped on me before I'd even had my first cup of espresso.

Bubbles

Standing in line at the grocery store I glanced over to see the brightly colored bottles of my youth. In a moment of silliness I decided to buy some. My son is now a teenager but I didn't allow this to prevent my head from filling with colorful visions of us sitting on the back patio blowing bubbles and laughing. I remembered what I always tell myself and others "You're never too old and it's never too late." If I'm not too old to blow bubbles then he certainly should be able to join me.

I expected the usual teenage resistance to any Mom inspired idea, but he actually agreed to do it. It was not quite the laughter filled event that entered my head a few hours before. We just enjoyed the moment peacefully. As I watched the bubbles float effortlessly through the air, a deep sense of peace filled me. I was calmed by watching them float effortlessly by; some big and some small. The small ones are just bubbles that need a touch more soap and a lot more air.

It occurred to me that bubbles are like miracles. Some are big, some are small, but when you breathe into them they expand. When they burst, the particles drop down on the other bubbles and become part of them. This way they will be able to expand should someone breathe more life into them.

A few days later I was sitting on the back patio. I happened to glance at the bottles of bubbles. I hadn't noticed this before. The label read 'Miracle Bubbles' and I smiled. I want my life to be like that. I want to breathe so much fullness into the miracle bubble of my life that it can no longer be contained. It will have to break open and shower down miracles upon thousands of other bubbles, giving them the power to expand. That is the kind of life I intend to have.

Circles

During meditation, I frequently see bright green misty clouds floating through the field of my minds' eye. I've always thought they had something to do with healing energies. They come through in various shapes and sizes, drifting by looking a little lost, like a spiritual version of retinal detachments. There is never a pattern or picture, they are just all over the place. I figured that was how they were supposed to be.

I have been working on healing myself consistently asking God, the angels and spirit guides for help, and devoting time to daily meditation. I had a cellular healing session a few weeks ago (if you've never had one, I highly recommend it.) My best friend just completed her C.Ht training and I felt compelled to try it. The results were amazing! I could feel a shift in me, a positive shift that I knew would bring me closer to the wholeness I am seeking. I have continued to do some self-hypnosis work and deeper meditations.

I have spent most of my life running in circles, going nowhere. I have repeated the same situations over and over. Events would come back around so I could learn the lesson again. I would make some progress in my life, then get knocked back in time to repeat something I thought I had already fixed. It's a real shame that I can't find a school that offers a Ph.D in self sabotage. I've always wanted some important initials at the end of my name and I found out that putting Rae Crow, ADhD on my business cards was not a sound business decision.

I wanted to break this pattern and I know only way to break the cycle is to heal the core issue. I realized that while doing all of this healing work, I should also change my perspective about circles. I thought about them and how they are a natural part of life. I remembered all of the positive aspects of circles, the earth, circles of friends, the rings of a tree, the medicine wheel, astrological charts...all of these positive influences are based around the circle.

During my mediation today, I saw the most amazing thing happen. All of the green misty clouds began to form a ring. They came floating by, but were magnetized to joining the circle and causing it to expand. Once the ring was whole, a beautiful purple cloud appeared in the center of the green circle. Tears of gratitude came from the depths of my soul and escaped from my eyes. I felt like I had called home all of the shattered parts of myself and became whole again.

Now that I have all of me to work with and I am not all over the place, I can expand my circle. It reminds me of The Prayer of Jabez by Bruce Wilkinson. I read it years ago and I guess I'm finally ready to enlarge my territory.

Mirrors

I find it completely absurd that ten years ago, the running joke among my girlfriends was "If there's an alcoholic within a 10 mile radius, Rae has to date him." I am grateful every day that I was able to heal that unhealthy pattern in my life. I no longer attract men with alcohol issues into my life. With my co-dependent tendencies purged and after two years of solitude, I felt confident that I was ready to enter into a healthy relationship. I met a wonderful man and the relationship I longed for was finally a reality.

It has come to my attention that I am not as healed as I thought I was. I have the belief that the people closest to you are a mirror of what you refuse to see in yourself. Their behaviors that irritate you the most are the traits that you pretend you don't have. I have been a mere observer lately, witnessing all of the things I still need to heal. It has finally reached the point that I have to do something about it. For too long I have been putting it off. The last several years have been like a mosquito bite on your boob. You know it is there, it is really irritating, but it is not the appropriate time to do anything about it because someone may see you. My current living situation has reached the point that I must do something about it and I don't care who sees me.

The issues that I need to work on all have lack of self-esteem at their core. I am working on honoring myself, treating myself better, eating healthier, and making time for rest. I am no longer willing to be an observer of the slow and painful death of my spirit. I have witnessed this happening to my son and the man I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. It is time to take action. I know that I must heal myself in order for things to change. I have decided to step up, take charge of the situation and do what needs to be done. I am finding my strength and I know that by doing this, the men in my life will benefit.

For so long, I didn't look in mirrors. I was scared of them. Sort of like in the movie Mirrors with Kiefer Sutherland. I don't really care for scary movies, but I had to watch that one, after all Kiefer Sutherland was in it. And of course I am attracted to him, you know with all his alcohol issues (notice I said "attracted to", not "have to date him.") I guess he's like a vacation, nice scenery but I wouldn't want to live there. In the movie, the mirrors reflect all of the horrible events that happened. There were scary people in the mirrors, ugly demon people that wanted out (sounds familiar.) He ended up smashing all of the mirrors so that the reflections wouldn't harm him and his family. There's more to it, but I don't want to ruin the ending in case you haven't seen it yet.

Since the mirrors in my life are actual people it is not like I can grab the nearest crowbar and start swinging (although......) The only other option that I see is to actually embrace what the mirrors are showing me, acknowledge what I need to heal, and get to work.

I know that I am getting stronger, more self-assured. I have promised myself that the next time I am unable to look at myself in the mirror it will be because the light of my spirit is shining so bright that I need to get my sunglasses before I can do my morning affirmations.

Honoring Myself

I was feeling like my sole purpose in life was to make sure the laundry was done and dinner was on the table by 5:30. I had become lonely, unfulfilled and mad at myself for allowing it to happen. It was not what I wanted for my life, but it had crept in like a slow moving Wisconsin morning fog. I had been sleeping and woke up to find I had been completely smothered by it.

As I loaded the washer for the fifth time that day, I felt like screaming, "This is not who I am!" I wanted to be angry at my family for doing this to me, but I knew I had done it to myself. For years I have been telling people that you teach people how to treat you, but I had failed to see how that applied to me. I was too busy reading my endless to-do list to see the fog rolling in. I repeatedly lied to myself with the promise that as soon as I finished one more load of laundry, I would make some time for me.

I became more withdrawn and automated, going through the motions of life without actually living in it. My resentment grew, my self-worth didn't. I was crying out for help in an empty forest. I knew something needed to change. I had tried to change things before with a few short-lived results. I needed to do something different this time. My life depended on it.

I found myself standing in front of my bookshelf, scanning the titles of self-help books. I have read so many over the years that I could have fixed my life 100 times over. Why was it not fixed yet? Apparently, I was doing something wrong. I pulled out You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay. I had read this before, but didn't keep up the work long enough for any major results. So I started again.

I began with the affirmation; I love and accept myself just as I am. I began saying it to myself in the mirror every morning. I forced myself to look into my own eyes. If I glanced away, I would start over and repeat it until I could maintain eye contact. Over the next few weeks, I added my own affirmations. I started meditating. I noticed people treating me better. Good things are coming to me. I have a sense of purpose that is far beyond household chores. I am healing from the inside out.

I honor myself and what I want. When I look back on the last 41 years of my life, I see how the majority of the problems I encountered were directly caused by me not honoring myself. Now that I am learning to, I greet each day with open arms and am excited to see how the rest of my life unfolds.

Shattered to Wholeness

I have heard other women refer to painful events as the times their lives were shattered to pieces. Their hearts were broken and their lives fell apart. It happens to us all. When the hammer came down on my life this time, it was different. It occurred to me that my entire life was a series of events that kept shattering me toward wholeness.

I once again find myself at the point of everything being shattered. Even though the process is painful, I am reacting differently. I am embracing the events that are unfolding, knowing that they will come whether I like it or not. I know that I will once again find all of the shards of myself and reassemble them in a stronger and more beautiful way. Through this process, I am advancing myself on my path to wholeness. I know that I can do this because I have done it so many times before and always made it through. The difference this time is that I'm doing it with some dignity.

I am realizing that the Universe is consistently trying to urge me into alignment with my highest good. I can fight it every step of the way like I have done before, or I can embrace it. It is going to happen either way. This time I am choosing to go through the life shattering with intention and purpose. I am no longer a victim, I am a student of what God and the Universe is guiding me toward.

That's how I ended up thinking that starting a blog smack dab in the middle of a personal crisis was a good idea. I am taking the time to do something I have always wanted to do, write. I am ignoring the self sabotaging voice that is telling me that I should be packing for the upcoming move or getting the house ready to sell. This is the same voice that I should have told to shut up a long time ago. From this point forward I am taking time for myself, going within, and listening to the voice that I find there.

I made this mosaic a few months ago. It was the first piece I had ever made for myself. I never hung it up. Now that things are changing, I am glad I didn't. I am saving it for my new house. I can see it as a representation of the transformation I am going through. It serves as a reminder that it is important to take time for myself.