Mirrors

I find it completely absurd that ten years ago, the running joke among my girlfriends was "If there's an alcoholic within a 10 mile radius, Rae has to date him." I am grateful every day that I was able to heal that unhealthy pattern in my life. I no longer attract men with alcohol issues into my life. With my co-dependent tendencies purged and after two years of solitude, I felt confident that I was ready to enter into a healthy relationship. I met a wonderful man and the relationship I longed for was finally a reality.

It has come to my attention that I am not as healed as I thought I was. I have the belief that the people closest to you are a mirror of what you refuse to see in yourself. Their behaviors that irritate you the most are the traits that you pretend you don't have. I have been a mere observer lately, witnessing all of the things I still need to heal. It has finally reached the point that I have to do something about it. For too long I have been putting it off. The last several years have been like a mosquito bite on your boob. You know it is there, it is really irritating, but it is not the appropriate time to do anything about it because someone may see you. My current living situation has reached the point that I must do something about it and I don't care who sees me.

The issues that I need to work on all have lack of self-esteem at their core. I am working on honoring myself, treating myself better, eating healthier, and making time for rest. I am no longer willing to be an observer of the slow and painful death of my spirit. I have witnessed this happening to my son and the man I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. It is time to take action. I know that I must heal myself in order for things to change. I have decided to step up, take charge of the situation and do what needs to be done. I am finding my strength and I know that by doing this, the men in my life will benefit.

For so long, I didn't look in mirrors. I was scared of them. Sort of like in the movie Mirrors with Kiefer Sutherland. I don't really care for scary movies, but I had to watch that one, after all Kiefer Sutherland was in it. And of course I am attracted to him, you know with all his alcohol issues (notice I said "attracted to", not "have to date him.") I guess he's like a vacation, nice scenery but I wouldn't want to live there. In the movie, the mirrors reflect all of the horrible events that happened. There were scary people in the mirrors, ugly demon people that wanted out (sounds familiar.) He ended up smashing all of the mirrors so that the reflections wouldn't harm him and his family. There's more to it, but I don't want to ruin the ending in case you haven't seen it yet.

Since the mirrors in my life are actual people it is not like I can grab the nearest crowbar and start swinging (although......) The only other option that I see is to actually embrace what the mirrors are showing me, acknowledge what I need to heal, and get to work.

I know that I am getting stronger, more self-assured. I have promised myself that the next time I am unable to look at myself in the mirror it will be because the light of my spirit is shining so bright that I need to get my sunglasses before I can do my morning affirmations.