Willingness to Release

     This week I focused on release. I created this Goddess to honor the assistance I received when I asked for help in releasing things in my life that no longer suited me. During the past year, I have made huge progress in releasing people and situations that were not healthy for me but I had several things about myself that I wanted to let go of. It was time to let go of personal behaviors that no longer suited me. Sometimes change is gradual and subtle, like you just naturally outgrow something and aren't really sure exactly when or how it happened.

     Other types of change are more drastic. That is what I experienced this week. I had been pushing too hard to make things happen. I learned that forcing, pushing and acting out of fear only makes the thing you are asking for move away from you. I was acting out of sheer desperation and it only brought me to a meltdown. I had no choice but to surrender and ask for help making necessary changes in my life.

     When I used to think about wanting to change, I viewed it negatively. I had the belief that I was bad or wrong and if I changed, I would be viewed as good and worthy of reward. Now that I have implemented change I can see that I've always been good and deserving but my behaviors weren't in line with the highest intentions that I have for myself. Therefore, my actions were causing me to feel bad about myself , lowering my vibration and draining my energy. Hardly the right environment for receiving abundance. So it wasn't that God/Goddess was punishing me (old childhood belief that I can now release,) it was that I wasn't living in a way that made me feel good about myself. That made it impossible to attract the things I wanted in my life.

     Now that I have made some changes, I see movement in my life and things are beginning to flow to me. I also see that the "things" aren't actually the reward. The best reward for the changes I've made is how I feel about myself. I am proud of myself for being true to me and being one step closer to the highest intentions I have for myself.

     It is amazing how things unfold once you make a commitment to something. I made a commitment to create the life I want and the tools to help me just showed up. A few of the things that really helped were asking for help from God/Goddess and the Angels, Doreen Virtue's book Angels of Abundance (which I downloaded here: http://www.amazon.com/Angels-Abundance-Heavens-Messages-Manifest-ebook/dp/B00IOX0744/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1405179356&sr=8-1&keywords=angels+of+abundance+doreen+virtue ) I also came across the most useful sentence I have ever heard. Thanks to Marie Forleo for saying "And there is plenty more where that came from." If you haven't already seen Marie TV, I highly recommend visiting: http://www.marieforleo.com/ Marie has been extremely helpful since I have decided to pursue my dreams as a writer and artist. I should also mention Marianne Williamson and her book A Woman's Worth (http://www.amazon.com/A-Womans-Worth-Marianne-Williamson/dp/0345386574 because reading that book was what really prompted my journey and gave me the courage to leave unhealthy relationships. I am grateful for all of the assistance I received in making changes. I know that life is ever changing and I will continue to change and grow. I really feel that I just made it through a significant personal transformation and it was able to occur because I was willing to release.

     I have encountered some challenges recently about leaving my day job to pursue my artistic career. I know that the opinions of others are presented to me so that I can solidify my personal beliefs, however I still have some work to do on this or their comments would not be hurting me.

     This morning I was reviewing some unpublished drafts of blogs I had previously written and came across this entry. It was exactly what I needed to hear.

     I have spent far too much of my life trying to fit in and live up to other people's expectations of who I should be or how I should live my life. I have grown restless with the pseudo life I have allowed to be created around me. I have become so frustrated by not being true to myself that I must make a change and start being who I really am.

     My son left a CD in my car and I found myself listening to it every day during my daily commute. I am not really sure how it happened, but I have become a huge fan of Blood on the Dance Floor. There are many of their songs that I really like, but "I don't want to be like you" from their CD Anthem of the Outcast really hit home for me. It brought up a bunch of unhealed crap I had been suppressing for too many years. I was so impressed by this song, that I went to the Denver show last November with my son. We had a great time.

     In listening to this particular song, I was reminded of how I have lived too much of my life under the shadow of my older sister. I found myself crying out years of suppressed pain and would love to send her a copy of this song. We haven't spoken in over 6 years. She continues to send Christmas and Birthday presents, but won't talk to me. I don't get it. Maybe there just isn't room in her born-again lifestyle for an outcast.

     Listening to this song gives me strength, and the courage to continue along the path that I know is right for me. It reminds me that everyone is different, and it is supposed to be that way.
I cannot be someone that I'm not, and I can't be her. I have tried my whole life to gain her approval and to do something that is good enough for her judgmental standards. I know I am wasting my time. I must let go of all of that and just be good enough for me, even if no one else understands it or accepts it.

     I have been working on this for years, but I have a long way to go. I realized this one day at work when it occurred to me that I am not an accountant, yet my career path has put me in a "respectable" position of bookkeeping to support myself and my son. Yet I long to create, which I do on evenings and weekends. But I laugh at myself every day at work because I am a bookkeeper, earning a living in the shadow of my sister, the accountant. It is sucking the life out of me. I am an artist, and I should be spending all of my days in the studio, not entering numbers in a computer. The funny thing is that my sister doesn't even know where I work, or what I do.

     I need to make changes and be true to myself. Stop repeating past mistakes and trying to live someone else's life. I need to start living my own. I long to fully be myself, live fully, and not care what other people think. My son is teaching me that. He took a stand against conformity and spends his days creating music, singing, observing and relaxing. I can't live his life either, but if I am modeling my life after someone else's I would be a lot better off following his example.

     After going to this concert, I  made a decision to stop trying to be someone that I'm not. I am a free spirit, bohemian, gypsy soul and that's ok. I can dye my hair blue if I want to. I can create art and write. That is what I am meant to do. Let someone else be the pencil pusher if that's what makes them happy, maybe they are designed for that.  I am designed to create. In this new year, I dedicate it to saying "NO" to things that don't suit me. I am not mainstream, and I don't have to get in line.

     Since the writing of this draft over a year ago, I have left my day job and am pursing my creative career full-time. I love being able to work from home, creating things that bring joy to others. In reading my earlier writing, I have renewed faith in what I am doing and it helped me to remember that I live my life for my own happiness and share that with others. It does not benefit anyone if I live my life trying to meet other peoples expectations because I have found that you never "win" their approval and you are just miserable in trying. It is better for all involved to be true to yourself and follow your own path. 

We Need to Heal This Place

My morning adventure with my dog Cody led to one of the most beautiful moments that I've experienced in a really long time. Working from home, I am blessed with plenty of time to devote to the sacredness that is our morning walk. Today Cody decided to lead me to the lake about a mile west of our home. It is a beautiful place, especially early in the morning. Cody had stopped for the hundredth time to sniff at yet another humanly undetectable scent. I looked out across the lake towards the majestic spread of the Rocky Mountains. I was overcome with the beauty and peacefulness of it. Even though I am a Colorado native, it was like I was seeing it for the first time. Tears welled up as I remembered to thank God & Goddess for such a beautiful place to live.

During my thoughts of gratitude, it popped in my head that this place is so incredibly beautiful that we have to heal this place. Suddenly I was flooded with the feeling that healing starts with each person's happiness. For a moment I felt all of the pain and fear of people living disconnected lives. I am glad it only lasted a moment. Then I felt an incredible wave of peace sweep over me. The following sentence echoed in my head, "It begins with how we treat one another." I began thinking about my interactions with people and how I could improve. I am generally a friendly person and have been accused on more than one occasion of being "too nice." Sure, I could stand up for myself a little more, however that can be done respectfully.

On the walk home from the lake I thought about my experiences with people being mean and the times when I have acted out of anger. I thought about humanity and how we all have the capacity to act either with kindness or cruelty towards one another. It occurred to me that most people lash out due to stress, or when things don't go the way they think they should. I know that holds true for me. Now that I am blessed with being able to work at home doing what I love to do, I am much happier. I rarely get angry anymore. It got me thinking that if everyone could do what they love to do for a living, making enough money to adequately support their families, if humanity would start being nicer to each other. Most fights are about money, power or control over something. If everyone had enough, would the fighting stop? If everyone was fulfilled in their own lives, would they stop trying to control everyone else?

As soon as I got home I went into my art studio to create something to capture my moment by the lake. I wanted it to represent connection to the earth, healing and peace. My peace on earth Goddess is what came through. Every time I see her I remember just how beautiful earth is and that we have the power to heal our earthly home.

I created this Goddess from white polymer clay with a pearl mica powder overlay. I added a tree agate stone because it is known for deepening one's connection to the earth.  To see more photos of this Goddess, go to: https://www.etsy.com/listing/194819985/peace-on-earth-goddess-totem-spirit?