I have encountered some challenges recently about leaving my day job to pursue my artistic career. I know that the opinions of others are presented to me so that I can solidify my personal beliefs, however I still have some work to do on this or their comments would not be hurting me.

     This morning I was reviewing some unpublished drafts of blogs I had previously written and came across this entry. It was exactly what I needed to hear.

     I have spent far too much of my life trying to fit in and live up to other people's expectations of who I should be or how I should live my life. I have grown restless with the pseudo life I have allowed to be created around me. I have become so frustrated by not being true to myself that I must make a change and start being who I really am.

     My son left a CD in my car and I found myself listening to it every day during my daily commute. I am not really sure how it happened, but I have become a huge fan of Blood on the Dance Floor. There are many of their songs that I really like, but "I don't want to be like you" from their CD Anthem of the Outcast really hit home for me. It brought up a bunch of unhealed crap I had been suppressing for too many years. I was so impressed by this song, that I went to the Denver show last November with my son. We had a great time.

     In listening to this particular song, I was reminded of how I have lived too much of my life under the shadow of my older sister. I found myself crying out years of suppressed pain and would love to send her a copy of this song. We haven't spoken in over 6 years. She continues to send Christmas and Birthday presents, but won't talk to me. I don't get it. Maybe there just isn't room in her born-again lifestyle for an outcast.

     Listening to this song gives me strength, and the courage to continue along the path that I know is right for me. It reminds me that everyone is different, and it is supposed to be that way.
I cannot be someone that I'm not, and I can't be her. I have tried my whole life to gain her approval and to do something that is good enough for her judgmental standards. I know I am wasting my time. I must let go of all of that and just be good enough for me, even if no one else understands it or accepts it.

     I have been working on this for years, but I have a long way to go. I realized this one day at work when it occurred to me that I am not an accountant, yet my career path has put me in a "respectable" position of bookkeeping to support myself and my son. Yet I long to create, which I do on evenings and weekends. But I laugh at myself every day at work because I am a bookkeeper, earning a living in the shadow of my sister, the accountant. It is sucking the life out of me. I am an artist, and I should be spending all of my days in the studio, not entering numbers in a computer. The funny thing is that my sister doesn't even know where I work, or what I do.

     I need to make changes and be true to myself. Stop repeating past mistakes and trying to live someone else's life. I need to start living my own. I long to fully be myself, live fully, and not care what other people think. My son is teaching me that. He took a stand against conformity and spends his days creating music, singing, observing and relaxing. I can't live his life either, but if I am modeling my life after someone else's I would be a lot better off following his example.

     After going to this concert, I  made a decision to stop trying to be someone that I'm not. I am a free spirit, bohemian, gypsy soul and that's ok. I can dye my hair blue if I want to. I can create art and write. That is what I am meant to do. Let someone else be the pencil pusher if that's what makes them happy, maybe they are designed for that.  I am designed to create. In this new year, I dedicate it to saying "NO" to things that don't suit me. I am not mainstream, and I don't have to get in line.

     Since the writing of this draft over a year ago, I have left my day job and am pursing my creative career full-time. I love being able to work from home, creating things that bring joy to others. In reading my earlier writing, I have renewed faith in what I am doing and it helped me to remember that I live my life for my own happiness and share that with others. It does not benefit anyone if I live my life trying to meet other peoples expectations because I have found that you never "win" their approval and you are just miserable in trying. It is better for all involved to be true to yourself and follow your own path.