It appears that I have allowed my life to spiral into a big mess. I thought after the last time, I would keep a clear vision of my life and which direction I was headed. Somewhere in the day to day survival of it all, I fell asleep.
Last weekend I woke up to see the total shit bath that I had been sitting in for the last year. I became angry, tried to blame others, but mostly I was really pissed off at myself. In my need to control the uncontrollable, I started cleaning my house. As I cleaned the caked on layer of lint from underneath the dryer, I began repeating a mantra in my head. "I am cleaning up my house and my life." It felt good and I kept going until all of the neglected areas of my house sparkled.
Later in the day, I carved out time to work on my art because it was the only sane thing I could manage to do. I wanted to make a mosaic. I thought if I could take some tiny pieces and make something pretty I would feel better. If I could do that through art, then maybe there was some shred of hope that I could do that with the fragments of my life and make something out of it.
As I worked, I realized that everything had shattered again, but it had to in order for me to wake up. I began thinking of how grateful I am for my life. I created "Darkness is just a reminder to shine brighter" to help me remember I can't avoid the dark times in life. They just keep coming until you turn on the light. Life tests everyone and you can either be swallowed up by it or you can see it for what it really is - just an opportunity to change what isn't working in your life.
This time, I am going to handle it differently. My usual pattern is to throw a pity party, invite all my friends and get one of them to feel sorry for me enough to help me out of my self-created mess. I can't do that this time. First off, I know that I must do something differently to get different results, and secondly, I have hosted this pity party so many times that my friends have all stopped attending.
This time I am going to embrace it, recognize it for what it is, and come through it shining. I want to, actually I must, do it all on my own. I want to see what I'm made of. Plus, it would be unfair of me to even ask anyone to help clean up my mess. Having been through this before, I also know that my well meaning friends would just tell me what to do, what they think is right for me. This time I need to find out what is right for me. I need to clean up my own mess. Once again I have been given the opportunity to shine brighter and take responsibility for my choices and actions, knowing that I can take all of the fragments of my shattered life and piece it back together.
Find this and other mosaics at: http://www.etsy.com/shop/raecrowstudio
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