I'm Not Going To Try Anymore

I'm not going to try anymore. I know that sounds like a whiny, giving up kind of statement, but I am not intending it that way. Trying to do something implies right off the bat that you don't think you can do it. Every time I have tried something, it either meant I was just doing it to please someone else, or that I didn't really think I would be any good at it and didn't really want to be. Trying represents forcing, pushing, struggling, sprinkled with an unhealthy dose of resentment. I'm not talking about stuff like trying a new restaurant, or trying a new activity, because that type of trying is fun, adventurous and I completely encourage it. I am referring to things like "I'll try to get it done" and "I am trying so hard to make this work."

Trying implies something forced - not at all natural. No good ever comes from that. I work best when I do something that I am excited about and that I feel compelled to share. It flows through me in a full-force natural sort of way. I included the picture of my shop banner because that was something that I didn't try to do. When I made it, I didn't set out to. Etsy had recommended using Canva, so I just went on there to play. I experimented with many designs and fonts, just so I could learn what the site could do. I ended up choosing the combination of things that I loved, and my new banner was born. Every time I go into my shop, I like what I see. And I wasn't even trying...

When I created the Goddess, I was inspired by the beauty of a lake near my home. I had walked there numerous times, but on this particular morning, I was overwhelmed by the beauty of it. The emotion flowed through me and I went home and immediately created her. I simply wanted something to represent how I was feeling. I wanted something to reflect how beautiful this planet is and that we need more peace to heal it. Because I love this Goddess and what she represented, I thought she was the perfect addition to my shop banner.

From the creation of the "Peace on Earth" Goddess ornament, to the selection of colors and font for my banner, it just felt right. And I love the end result.

This morning, while walking my dog, I saw this tree and was impressed with the color of the leaves. I love this time of year and this was the first sign I have seen that it really is fall. I quickly snapped the photo while my 80 pound Akita/Boxer was pulling me to keep going. I didn't try to get the perfect shot, I just hit the button. Since it was early and the sun hadn't quite finished rising, the flash went off and I thought "Well that shot won't turn out, I'll have to come back later." I was pleasantly surprised when I got home and took a look at what the camera had captured.

So, moving forward with my business and creating a life that I love waking up to each day, I won't try. I will take positive steps inspired by what I love. I'll bet I end up on an amazing journey that will far surpass the path I would travel if I keep on trying. Sometimes the best results just sort of happen. It may have something to do with the saying "You just need to get out of your own way." I intend to do just that, by not trying. This shouldn't be mistaken for laziness, like I am just not going to do anything at all. Quite the contrary. I believe that my productivity will actually increase because I won't be so busy trying to do something, I will just be inspired to do it!

Since fall is about releasing and letting go, I fully release the need to try to make things happen. I let go and allow life to flow through me. I am excited to find out just how many of my conversations can start with "The most amazing thing just happened..." 

What Next?

Two weeks ago, I held my friends' hand as she was taking her last few breaths. Nothing quite like someone you love passing away to cause you to re-evaluate your priorities. In the small gaps between gushes of tears, I have been thinking a lot about how to live a more fulfilling life. As I was writing Jill's obituary outlining her many achievements, I thought 'What have I been doing?'

It is a little depressing to realize that if something happened to me about all anyone could write was she raised an amazing son, worked way too long in a career field she didn't enjoy, made some art and wrote in her journal. The rest of it would say "She had always planned to travel, be a gypsy, dance in the forest, and set her suppressed wild heart free, helping others to heal through her writing and art." With this realization, I decided that unless I want this to be true, I must get off my sorrow filled butt and do something about it.

I have 85 journals filled with what I'd like to do and a piece of notebook paper that lists what I've actually done. For 47 years, I have lived mostly in my head. It is time to change that and actually live through action, not thought. For the past 2 years, I have been working in a job that I knew wasn't right for me. It took a mini nervous breakdown to make me realize that I had to resign. Then to make sure that I was really paying attention, during my last week of work my friend died. So the month of August consisted not only of a mental and physical wake up call, but a spiritual one as well.

Ok, now you've got my attention. Things are changing - big time. What am I going to do with this? I know I need to change my career path and make writing, art and healing a priority. I also know that I need to get out of my head and share the person that I am. I want to sell my house, buy a 5th wheel trailer, and a truck to pull it. I dream of painting the interior in rich gypsy colors, filling it with velvet and  lace pillows, my favorite books and hitting the road. I want to write of my travels and uncover my soul. I know it is in there, buried under the pain of loss of family, friends, relationships and crusty layers of responsibility and obligation.

It just occurred to me that this sounds a lot like a mid-life crisis. If it is, I say "bring it on" 'cause I'm gonna have an awesome one. I hope it lasts for the rest of my life. I spent 47 years living how I thought I was supposed to and how other people thought I should. Now, I want to live the way I want to, no longer jumping through someone else's hoops. Only my own, once I hula with it.

What I Learned From Jill

Sometimes you learn the most without even trying. This knowledge is gained slowly, over many years, through a teacher who isn't even attempting to teach you anything. It is wisdom you gain through friendship, just by being around someone special.

In addition to being my best friend, Jill is also my best teacher. She has accomplished so much in her life just by doing the things she loves. I love hearing stories about Jill, how she volunteered for the Peace Corp in Gambia West Africa, spent time teaching special education in Hawaii and Florida, and later moved to Colorado where she became the first female Chief of Police in the State. She did some more teaching after that, but I met her when she served as a Case Manager at a local transitional housing program. After she retired, she continued working as a volunteer, delivering meals on wheels and at a local wildlife rehabilitation center taking care of injured and abandoned squirrels. I only worked with Jill for 5 years, but we have remained friends ever since.

I have watched Jill in action for around 15 years. She survived the Lyons flood of 2013, and we worked together (with many, many others) to rebuild her home after the St. Vrain River attempted to wash it away. During this time, she was always making sure that everyone in the town was taken care of. I remember saying to her one day, "Hey Jill, you should let some of the other volunteers do this, you know you lost your house too." But that is Jill, always helping those in need and forgetting that she might need something also. In the days after the flood, Jill would make frequent trips to Lyons to make sure that the squirrels in her yard had food and fresh water.

I have learned so much from Jill. She taught me to always do what you can, to love what you do, to keep going, take time out to be silly and laugh, to give away what you aren't using, to try new things, and to have a big heart. Jill taught me how to help people without enabling them, how to be supportive, encouraging, and how to make a difference.

I am devestated that I had to say goodbye to her on August 31, 2016. I am also feeling so blessed because of all of the amazing things she did in this world, she chose to spend some of her life with me. I am a better person because of her, and I am forever grateful.

Two days after Jill passed,  I heard a squirrel hit the roof of my house. He began squawking and chirping. It was so loud it was bordering on being obnoxious. He kept up a solid stream of loud chirping until I finally looked out the window to see if he was ok. I was hanging out the window and looked up to see this squirrel on the peak of the roof of my house looking down at me. He let out a series of noises that almost sounded like he was laughing. Our eyes met and I felt a connection that could only be described as a "knowingness" that Jill is ok. I told the squirrel "Message received little buddy, thanks!" and he scampered off. I know it sounds like I am just sleep deprieved and a little delusional over the loss of my friend, but I think Jill sent one of her squirrels to let me know she's alright. And even if I am delusional, well, at least it made me smile.

Jill has impacted my life in so many ways and has inspired me to shine my light in this world. I am so blessed to have known Jill and am grateful that she was in my life. There is so much I want to say about this amazing woman, but the bottom line is that she is a shining example of what people can be and has inspired me to continue to grow as a person and to do what I can to make a positive difference in the lives of others.

I love you my dear friend Jill, you will be missed. I will make sure the squirrels are fed.