What Next?

Two weeks ago, I held my friends' hand as she was taking her last few breaths. Nothing quite like someone you love passing away to cause you to re-evaluate your priorities. In the small gaps between gushes of tears, I have been thinking a lot about how to live a more fulfilling life. As I was writing Jill's obituary outlining her many achievements, I thought 'What have I been doing?'

It is a little depressing to realize that if something happened to me about all anyone could write was she raised an amazing son, worked way too long in a career field she didn't enjoy, made some art and wrote in her journal. The rest of it would say "She had always planned to travel, be a gypsy, dance in the forest, and set her suppressed wild heart free, helping others to heal through her writing and art." With this realization, I decided that unless I want this to be true, I must get off my sorrow filled butt and do something about it.

I have 85 journals filled with what I'd like to do and a piece of notebook paper that lists what I've actually done. For 47 years, I have lived mostly in my head. It is time to change that and actually live through action, not thought. For the past 2 years, I have been working in a job that I knew wasn't right for me. It took a mini nervous breakdown to make me realize that I had to resign. Then to make sure that I was really paying attention, during my last week of work my friend died. So the month of August consisted not only of a mental and physical wake up call, but a spiritual one as well.

Ok, now you've got my attention. Things are changing - big time. What am I going to do with this? I know I need to change my career path and make writing, art and healing a priority. I also know that I need to get out of my head and share the person that I am. I want to sell my house, buy a 5th wheel trailer, and a truck to pull it. I dream of painting the interior in rich gypsy colors, filling it with velvet and  lace pillows, my favorite books and hitting the road. I want to write of my travels and uncover my soul. I know it is in there, buried under the pain of loss of family, friends, relationships and crusty layers of responsibility and obligation.

It just occurred to me that this sounds a lot like a mid-life crisis. If it is, I say "bring it on" 'cause I'm gonna have an awesome one. I hope it lasts for the rest of my life. I spent 47 years living how I thought I was supposed to and how other people thought I should. Now, I want to live the way I want to, no longer jumping through someone else's hoops. Only my own, once I hula with it.