I Am Strong Enough

I Am Strong Enough

I am strong enough to leave unhealthy relationships.
I am strong enough to stand up for myself.
I am strong enough to come face to face with what I fear.
I am strong enough to look at myself and see what I need to work on.
I am strong enough to conquer my addictions whether they are to people, substances or behaviors.
I am strong enough to pursue a career that I love.
I am strong enough to travel my own path, even when those I care about disapprove.
I am strong enough to say "no" so that I have time to nurture and heal myself.
I am strong enough to love being me.
                                              - Rae Crow

I made this Goddess and wrote this poem as a tribute to my own personal healing journey. I hope that it will inspire others to realize that they too are strong enough. Although each persons journey is different, we all have things to overcome and heal. I use my Goddess during meditation, when I need to remember my strength and find solutions to any challenges.

Custom Goddesses are available here: https://www.etsy.com/listing/199690389/i-am-strong-enough-empowerment-goddess?

Willingness to Release

     This week I focused on release. I created this Goddess to honor the assistance I received when I asked for help in releasing things in my life that no longer suited me. During the past year, I have made huge progress in releasing people and situations that were not healthy for me but I had several things about myself that I wanted to let go of. It was time to let go of personal behaviors that no longer suited me. Sometimes change is gradual and subtle, like you just naturally outgrow something and aren't really sure exactly when or how it happened.

     Other types of change are more drastic. That is what I experienced this week. I had been pushing too hard to make things happen. I learned that forcing, pushing and acting out of fear only makes the thing you are asking for move away from you. I was acting out of sheer desperation and it only brought me to a meltdown. I had no choice but to surrender and ask for help making necessary changes in my life.

     When I used to think about wanting to change, I viewed it negatively. I had the belief that I was bad or wrong and if I changed, I would be viewed as good and worthy of reward. Now that I have implemented change I can see that I've always been good and deserving but my behaviors weren't in line with the highest intentions that I have for myself. Therefore, my actions were causing me to feel bad about myself , lowering my vibration and draining my energy. Hardly the right environment for receiving abundance. So it wasn't that God/Goddess was punishing me (old childhood belief that I can now release,) it was that I wasn't living in a way that made me feel good about myself. That made it impossible to attract the things I wanted in my life.

     Now that I have made some changes, I see movement in my life and things are beginning to flow to me. I also see that the "things" aren't actually the reward. The best reward for the changes I've made is how I feel about myself. I am proud of myself for being true to me and being one step closer to the highest intentions I have for myself.

     It is amazing how things unfold once you make a commitment to something. I made a commitment to create the life I want and the tools to help me just showed up. A few of the things that really helped were asking for help from God/Goddess and the Angels, Doreen Virtue's book Angels of Abundance (which I downloaded here: http://www.amazon.com/Angels-Abundance-Heavens-Messages-Manifest-ebook/dp/B00IOX0744/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1405179356&sr=8-1&keywords=angels+of+abundance+doreen+virtue ) I also came across the most useful sentence I have ever heard. Thanks to Marie Forleo for saying "And there is plenty more where that came from." If you haven't already seen Marie TV, I highly recommend visiting: http://www.marieforleo.com/ Marie has been extremely helpful since I have decided to pursue my dreams as a writer and artist. I should also mention Marianne Williamson and her book A Woman's Worth (http://www.amazon.com/A-Womans-Worth-Marianne-Williamson/dp/0345386574 because reading that book was what really prompted my journey and gave me the courage to leave unhealthy relationships. I am grateful for all of the assistance I received in making changes. I know that life is ever changing and I will continue to change and grow. I really feel that I just made it through a significant personal transformation and it was able to occur because I was willing to release.

     I have encountered some challenges recently about leaving my day job to pursue my artistic career. I know that the opinions of others are presented to me so that I can solidify my personal beliefs, however I still have some work to do on this or their comments would not be hurting me.

     This morning I was reviewing some unpublished drafts of blogs I had previously written and came across this entry. It was exactly what I needed to hear.

     I have spent far too much of my life trying to fit in and live up to other people's expectations of who I should be or how I should live my life. I have grown restless with the pseudo life I have allowed to be created around me. I have become so frustrated by not being true to myself that I must make a change and start being who I really am.

     My son left a CD in my car and I found myself listening to it every day during my daily commute. I am not really sure how it happened, but I have become a huge fan of Blood on the Dance Floor. There are many of their songs that I really like, but "I don't want to be like you" from their CD Anthem of the Outcast really hit home for me. It brought up a bunch of unhealed crap I had been suppressing for too many years. I was so impressed by this song, that I went to the Denver show last November with my son. We had a great time.

     In listening to this particular song, I was reminded of how I have lived too much of my life under the shadow of my older sister. I found myself crying out years of suppressed pain and would love to send her a copy of this song. We haven't spoken in over 6 years. She continues to send Christmas and Birthday presents, but won't talk to me. I don't get it. Maybe there just isn't room in her born-again lifestyle for an outcast.

     Listening to this song gives me strength, and the courage to continue along the path that I know is right for me. It reminds me that everyone is different, and it is supposed to be that way.
I cannot be someone that I'm not, and I can't be her. I have tried my whole life to gain her approval and to do something that is good enough for her judgmental standards. I know I am wasting my time. I must let go of all of that and just be good enough for me, even if no one else understands it or accepts it.

     I have been working on this for years, but I have a long way to go. I realized this one day at work when it occurred to me that I am not an accountant, yet my career path has put me in a "respectable" position of bookkeeping to support myself and my son. Yet I long to create, which I do on evenings and weekends. But I laugh at myself every day at work because I am a bookkeeper, earning a living in the shadow of my sister, the accountant. It is sucking the life out of me. I am an artist, and I should be spending all of my days in the studio, not entering numbers in a computer. The funny thing is that my sister doesn't even know where I work, or what I do.

     I need to make changes and be true to myself. Stop repeating past mistakes and trying to live someone else's life. I need to start living my own. I long to fully be myself, live fully, and not care what other people think. My son is teaching me that. He took a stand against conformity and spends his days creating music, singing, observing and relaxing. I can't live his life either, but if I am modeling my life after someone else's I would be a lot better off following his example.

     After going to this concert, I  made a decision to stop trying to be someone that I'm not. I am a free spirit, bohemian, gypsy soul and that's ok. I can dye my hair blue if I want to. I can create art and write. That is what I am meant to do. Let someone else be the pencil pusher if that's what makes them happy, maybe they are designed for that.  I am designed to create. In this new year, I dedicate it to saying "NO" to things that don't suit me. I am not mainstream, and I don't have to get in line.

     Since the writing of this draft over a year ago, I have left my day job and am pursing my creative career full-time. I love being able to work from home, creating things that bring joy to others. In reading my earlier writing, I have renewed faith in what I am doing and it helped me to remember that I live my life for my own happiness and share that with others. It does not benefit anyone if I live my life trying to meet other peoples expectations because I have found that you never "win" their approval and you are just miserable in trying. It is better for all involved to be true to yourself and follow your own path. 

We Need to Heal This Place

My morning adventure with my dog Cody led to one of the most beautiful moments that I've experienced in a really long time. Working from home, I am blessed with plenty of time to devote to the sacredness that is our morning walk. Today Cody decided to lead me to the lake about a mile west of our home. It is a beautiful place, especially early in the morning. Cody had stopped for the hundredth time to sniff at yet another humanly undetectable scent. I looked out across the lake towards the majestic spread of the Rocky Mountains. I was overcome with the beauty and peacefulness of it. Even though I am a Colorado native, it was like I was seeing it for the first time. Tears welled up as I remembered to thank God & Goddess for such a beautiful place to live.

During my thoughts of gratitude, it popped in my head that this place is so incredibly beautiful that we have to heal this place. Suddenly I was flooded with the feeling that healing starts with each person's happiness. For a moment I felt all of the pain and fear of people living disconnected lives. I am glad it only lasted a moment. Then I felt an incredible wave of peace sweep over me. The following sentence echoed in my head, "It begins with how we treat one another." I began thinking about my interactions with people and how I could improve. I am generally a friendly person and have been accused on more than one occasion of being "too nice." Sure, I could stand up for myself a little more, however that can be done respectfully.

On the walk home from the lake I thought about my experiences with people being mean and the times when I have acted out of anger. I thought about humanity and how we all have the capacity to act either with kindness or cruelty towards one another. It occurred to me that most people lash out due to stress, or when things don't go the way they think they should. I know that holds true for me. Now that I am blessed with being able to work at home doing what I love to do, I am much happier. I rarely get angry anymore. It got me thinking that if everyone could do what they love to do for a living, making enough money to adequately support their families, if humanity would start being nicer to each other. Most fights are about money, power or control over something. If everyone had enough, would the fighting stop? If everyone was fulfilled in their own lives, would they stop trying to control everyone else?

As soon as I got home I went into my art studio to create something to capture my moment by the lake. I wanted it to represent connection to the earth, healing and peace. My peace on earth Goddess is what came through. Every time I see her I remember just how beautiful earth is and that we have the power to heal our earthly home.

I created this Goddess from white polymer clay with a pearl mica powder overlay. I added a tree agate stone because it is known for deepening one's connection to the earth.  To see more photos of this Goddess, go to: https://www.etsy.com/listing/194819985/peace-on-earth-goddess-totem-spirit?

Art is More Than a Hobby

     My teenager and I became immersed in a deep conversation last night that lasted until 2:30 this morning. He came to me feeling a upset about some things that his best friend had said to him earlier in the day. They were discussing plans for their future, as most teenagers do when they are on the brink of adulthood. His friend has a very set plan of joining the military and going forward from there to do police work. Even though my son does not want such a path for himself, he respects his friends decision to pursue that for his future. When it came to my son's plans, the respect was not reciprocated.
     I have raised my son with very open beliefs, trusting that only he knows the correct path for his happiness. Whatever he chooses to do, I am supportive. He is wise beyond his 17 years and I fully trust his ability to choose his path to happiness. He is a highly creative individual and thrives in being able to express himself creatively. He is not a textbook learner and the public school system failed him. He was bullied by his peers, made to feel inadequate by his teachers and the school administration. He left there with a total distaste for formal education. He has taken his learning into his own hands and despite pressure from his Dad and Grandparents, has found what works for him.
     He has a natural born talent for singing and playing piano. Completely self-taught, he is thriving. He does not fit into the mold of a traditional teenager and finds no use for things like high school dances and sporting events. He would rather spend his time in quiet reflection and observation of the world around him. He is such a loving soul and it pains him to see people unhappy. He believes that life is meant to be lived in the moment with full joy, not slaving away in an dead end job only to squeeze in moments of joy on weekends. He is passionate about living life doing what he loves to do, not what others expect him to do. I agree with him and am amazed at his ability to see this at 17.  I didn't see it until I was in my forties.
     He recognizes that he is not doing things in a society conforming way. What he doesn't understand is why his best friend is judging him and condemning him for wanting to choose a different path. Upon hearing of his future plans, his friend commented "Art is a hobby not a career, so what is your back-up plan?" The discussion went on from there to reveal that his friend doesn't feel like writers should get paid because all they do is write stories.
     This triggered something in me. I was so angered by this shallow viewpoint that it prompted me to reflect on my beliefs about my artistic life. I believe that people should love what they do for a living and that everyone has unique talents that are specifically designed for them to live a life a true happiness. Each individual is part of the whole and that all of our parts are equally important, regardless of how it is viewed by a hierarchical society. Every individual has the right to live their dreams. So to all of the people trapped by societal beliefs, I say, "Art is more than a career, it is a way of life. You can do what you love to do and you should settle for nothing less than your ultimate happiness."
     Mosaic art makes me happy. Whether I am making hundreds of polymer clay tiles, or setting pieces of glass, I am at peace. I have never held a traditional job where I could say that. I take extreme pride in my work and enjoy the process of creating mosaic art. I pour my heart and soul into every piece. I am so grateful that I have finally found what I love to do and I am determined to make a successful career out of it. In so many ways I already have because each time I work on a project and feel peaceful and happy, I am successful. Art is so much more than a hobby for me, it is my career and my life. I hope to continue to set a good example for my son by pursuing my dreams and by making a living doing what I love to do!
     

I'm Changing Roads

The simplest of realizations crossed my mind recently. It came in the form of of a question that led to the realization. "Why do you spend so much time and energy getting to where you don't want to be?" In addition to that, why was I also exerting so much effort to stay there? Maybe I thought that I had to. When I realized that I needed to stop the exhausting efforts to get to and stay in a place that I didn't really want be in the first place, something shifted. It was so simple, I'm a little embarrassed that it took me so long to figure it out. Why did I put so much effort into being stressed and unhappy?
     I know what I love to do and what brings me joy, so why am I only allowing myself that feeling 1 or 2 days a week? The other days I drain my soul doing something that I know is not right for me. Time to change the road I'm on.
     In order to do this, I must put aside the analytical process and just go with my gut. It seems completely insane to even consider leaving the safety of my day job while I'm living paycheck to paycheck and have a whopping $30.14 in my savings and no retirement. But that is exactly why I have to, plus it makes for a way better story. It would have less inspirational impact if I decided to do this once I had a year's worth of salary saved up and my mortgage paid off. Too safe. Where's the adventure in that?
     Today I make a commitment to myself and what I love to do. I will put full faith in the Universe to  guide me to where I really want to be. I'm not sure exactly where that is, but I guarantee it is not barely scraping by and being exhausted and spiritually drained from a job that is not right for me. I will use feeling as my map, If it brings me happiness then I will do it. If it doesn't feel right, I will not say "yes" when inside I am screaming "NO!" I will not do things just to please other people into liking me. I will please me in order to like myself. I commit to a life that brings me joy and happiness.
     I created this mosaic as the beginning of a new journey. Since it's creation a few months ago, my life has started to change direction. My day job has ended and I am moving toward the direction of my dreams. I have witnessed how making a commitment to myself and the life I want to create has shifted events in my life in my favor. I have always wanted to work from home doing something I love to do. The Universe has given me that chance. It doesn't matter that I am 45. It wouldn't matter if I was 85. I have been given a gift. The gift of knowing that my life is of my own making and that there is always time to change the road you're on.

Ruby Tuesday

This morning on the way to work I heard the song "Ruby Tuesday." I was flooded with feelings of longing for the free spirited person I was 27 years ago. Singing the lyrics brought up a few tears and many memories of my red '66 mustang which I named Ruby. My friend Pam and I listened to the Stones religiously back then. The name suited my car as well as it's driver's untamed spirit. I was 18, never at home and loving every minute of freedom that Ruby gave me. Some days we would drive right past the high school where I was supposed to be getting prepared for life. Back then I was more interested in experiencing life than hearing a lecture about it. Rarely having a destination in mind, Ruby would take me to the mountains where we would sit and listen to the Stones and take in the beauty of nature.

Hearing that song again makes me want to jackhammer away at the years of emotional concrete that life has poured on me in an attempt to crush my spirit. I want to break free from the weight of all of the crap that life has thrown at me and fully commit to my dreams. I haven't let those dreams slip completely away, I just haven't found my way to them through all of the cement. That song reminded me of how free I used to feel, and how I used to believe in myself. It is long overdue for me to feel that way again.

I recall questioning myself when I named my car, I really wasn't sure at the time why I did it. Now it makes perfect sense. Maybe on some level, I was sending out a message for me to remember now. It is time to free yourself because it is the only way to be. I don't have my ruby red mustang anymore and have lost touch with Pam, but I just reconnected with my Ruby Tuesday soul.

As I neared the turn to work, I smiled with the thought of just driving right past it. I turned anyway and went to work. Something inside me has shifted ever so slightly and I see myself soon just driving right past my day job and finding the road that will take me to my dreams. Soon Ruby, soon.

Ruby Tuesday mosaic is available at: https://www.etsy.com/listing/180401081/heart-with-wings-mixed-media-mosaic-wall?ref=shop_home_active_1

I Believe in You

I began this mosaic over a year ago. I wasn't happy with how it was turning out, so I stopped working on it. It sat on the corner of my art table, getting increasingly buried under sketches of other projects and supplies.
Last night, I was getting ready for bed and an image of the abandoned mirror popped in my head. In a flash, I knew exactly what it needed, a wash of acrylic paint.
Instead of proceeding with sleep, I returned to the art studio and grabbed a variety of metallic paints. I tested the various colors on a few of the tiles that I had made that weren't glued to the frame. I tried emerald, blue, teal and purple. The metallic purple was the clear winner. I grabbed a paintbrush and got started. It didn't matter that the frame was only half covered in mosaic tiles, I just had to see how it was going to look. As I wiped off the paint, I got a little teary-eyed - I loved it!
With a flash of inspiration, I was able to revive a dead project, one I thought about throwing away. It is amazing how if you give something enough time to rest, it will bloom into something more beautiful than you originally thought it could be. As I read the words "I Believe in You" the tears welled up again. I heard that little voice telling me, "Why do you ever doubt your ability to do what you were born to do? It shouldn't even be a question - ever." Just that one idea changed a lost cause into something beautiful and restored my faith in my ability to create.