Art is More Than a Hobby

     My teenager and I became immersed in a deep conversation last night that lasted until 2:30 this morning. He came to me feeling a upset about some things that his best friend had said to him earlier in the day. They were discussing plans for their future, as most teenagers do when they are on the brink of adulthood. His friend has a very set plan of joining the military and going forward from there to do police work. Even though my son does not want such a path for himself, he respects his friends decision to pursue that for his future. When it came to my son's plans, the respect was not reciprocated.
     I have raised my son with very open beliefs, trusting that only he knows the correct path for his happiness. Whatever he chooses to do, I am supportive. He is wise beyond his 17 years and I fully trust his ability to choose his path to happiness. He is a highly creative individual and thrives in being able to express himself creatively. He is not a textbook learner and the public school system failed him. He was bullied by his peers, made to feel inadequate by his teachers and the school administration. He left there with a total distaste for formal education. He has taken his learning into his own hands and despite pressure from his Dad and Grandparents, has found what works for him.
     He has a natural born talent for singing and playing piano. Completely self-taught, he is thriving. He does not fit into the mold of a traditional teenager and finds no use for things like high school dances and sporting events. He would rather spend his time in quiet reflection and observation of the world around him. He is such a loving soul and it pains him to see people unhappy. He believes that life is meant to be lived in the moment with full joy, not slaving away in an dead end job only to squeeze in moments of joy on weekends. He is passionate about living life doing what he loves to do, not what others expect him to do. I agree with him and am amazed at his ability to see this at 17.  I didn't see it until I was in my forties.
     He recognizes that he is not doing things in a society conforming way. What he doesn't understand is why his best friend is judging him and condemning him for wanting to choose a different path. Upon hearing of his future plans, his friend commented "Art is a hobby not a career, so what is your back-up plan?" The discussion went on from there to reveal that his friend doesn't feel like writers should get paid because all they do is write stories.
     This triggered something in me. I was so angered by this shallow viewpoint that it prompted me to reflect on my beliefs about my artistic life. I believe that people should love what they do for a living and that everyone has unique talents that are specifically designed for them to live a life a true happiness. Each individual is part of the whole and that all of our parts are equally important, regardless of how it is viewed by a hierarchical society. Every individual has the right to live their dreams. So to all of the people trapped by societal beliefs, I say, "Art is more than a career, it is a way of life. You can do what you love to do and you should settle for nothing less than your ultimate happiness."
     Mosaic art makes me happy. Whether I am making hundreds of polymer clay tiles, or setting pieces of glass, I am at peace. I have never held a traditional job where I could say that. I take extreme pride in my work and enjoy the process of creating mosaic art. I pour my heart and soul into every piece. I am so grateful that I have finally found what I love to do and I am determined to make a successful career out of it. In so many ways I already have because each time I work on a project and feel peaceful and happy, I am successful. Art is so much more than a hobby for me, it is my career and my life. I hope to continue to set a good example for my son by pursuing my dreams and by making a living doing what I love to do!
     

I'm Changing Roads

The simplest of realizations crossed my mind recently. It came in the form of of a question that led to the realization. "Why do you spend so much time and energy getting to where you don't want to be?" In addition to that, why was I also exerting so much effort to stay there? Maybe I thought that I had to. When I realized that I needed to stop the exhausting efforts to get to and stay in a place that I didn't really want be in the first place, something shifted. It was so simple, I'm a little embarrassed that it took me so long to figure it out. Why did I put so much effort into being stressed and unhappy?
     I know what I love to do and what brings me joy, so why am I only allowing myself that feeling 1 or 2 days a week? The other days I drain my soul doing something that I know is not right for me. Time to change the road I'm on.
     In order to do this, I must put aside the analytical process and just go with my gut. It seems completely insane to even consider leaving the safety of my day job while I'm living paycheck to paycheck and have a whopping $30.14 in my savings and no retirement. But that is exactly why I have to, plus it makes for a way better story. It would have less inspirational impact if I decided to do this once I had a year's worth of salary saved up and my mortgage paid off. Too safe. Where's the adventure in that?
     Today I make a commitment to myself and what I love to do. I will put full faith in the Universe to  guide me to where I really want to be. I'm not sure exactly where that is, but I guarantee it is not barely scraping by and being exhausted and spiritually drained from a job that is not right for me. I will use feeling as my map, If it brings me happiness then I will do it. If it doesn't feel right, I will not say "yes" when inside I am screaming "NO!" I will not do things just to please other people into liking me. I will please me in order to like myself. I commit to a life that brings me joy and happiness.
     I created this mosaic as the beginning of a new journey. Since it's creation a few months ago, my life has started to change direction. My day job has ended and I am moving toward the direction of my dreams. I have witnessed how making a commitment to myself and the life I want to create has shifted events in my life in my favor. I have always wanted to work from home doing something I love to do. The Universe has given me that chance. It doesn't matter that I am 45. It wouldn't matter if I was 85. I have been given a gift. The gift of knowing that my life is of my own making and that there is always time to change the road you're on.

Ruby Tuesday

This morning on the way to work I heard the song "Ruby Tuesday." I was flooded with feelings of longing for the free spirited person I was 27 years ago. Singing the lyrics brought up a few tears and many memories of my red '66 mustang which I named Ruby. My friend Pam and I listened to the Stones religiously back then. The name suited my car as well as it's driver's untamed spirit. I was 18, never at home and loving every minute of freedom that Ruby gave me. Some days we would drive right past the high school where I was supposed to be getting prepared for life. Back then I was more interested in experiencing life than hearing a lecture about it. Rarely having a destination in mind, Ruby would take me to the mountains where we would sit and listen to the Stones and take in the beauty of nature.

Hearing that song again makes me want to jackhammer away at the years of emotional concrete that life has poured on me in an attempt to crush my spirit. I want to break free from the weight of all of the crap that life has thrown at me and fully commit to my dreams. I haven't let those dreams slip completely away, I just haven't found my way to them through all of the cement. That song reminded me of how free I used to feel, and how I used to believe in myself. It is long overdue for me to feel that way again.

I recall questioning myself when I named my car, I really wasn't sure at the time why I did it. Now it makes perfect sense. Maybe on some level, I was sending out a message for me to remember now. It is time to free yourself because it is the only way to be. I don't have my ruby red mustang anymore and have lost touch with Pam, but I just reconnected with my Ruby Tuesday soul.

As I neared the turn to work, I smiled with the thought of just driving right past it. I turned anyway and went to work. Something inside me has shifted ever so slightly and I see myself soon just driving right past my day job and finding the road that will take me to my dreams. Soon Ruby, soon.

Ruby Tuesday mosaic is available at: https://www.etsy.com/listing/180401081/heart-with-wings-mixed-media-mosaic-wall?ref=shop_home_active_1

I Believe in You

I began this mosaic over a year ago. I wasn't happy with how it was turning out, so I stopped working on it. It sat on the corner of my art table, getting increasingly buried under sketches of other projects and supplies.
Last night, I was getting ready for bed and an image of the abandoned mirror popped in my head. In a flash, I knew exactly what it needed, a wash of acrylic paint.
Instead of proceeding with sleep, I returned to the art studio and grabbed a variety of metallic paints. I tested the various colors on a few of the tiles that I had made that weren't glued to the frame. I tried emerald, blue, teal and purple. The metallic purple was the clear winner. I grabbed a paintbrush and got started. It didn't matter that the frame was only half covered in mosaic tiles, I just had to see how it was going to look. As I wiped off the paint, I got a little teary-eyed - I loved it!
With a flash of inspiration, I was able to revive a dead project, one I thought about throwing away. It is amazing how if you give something enough time to rest, it will bloom into something more beautiful than you originally thought it could be. As I read the words "I Believe in You" the tears welled up again. I heard that little voice telling me, "Why do you ever doubt your ability to do what you were born to do? It shouldn't even be a question - ever." Just that one idea changed a lost cause into something beautiful and restored my faith in my ability to create.

Faith

     Faith is my only choice. I must have faith that everything will work out. That is the only thing that I have left to hang on to. I have let go of everything else. I have let go of the idea that anyone else is the answer to my prayers. I have let go of thinking that people will take responsibility for their lives and do the right thing. I have let go of all false expectations. By doing this, I have found peace.
     I have faith in myself and faith in God. I don't expect God to instantly fix all of my mistakes (although I am still open to that as an option) but I do have faith that I will be gently guided as to how to fix them myself. I have faith that I can change the things in my life that are no longer working, and I have faith that I will be shown how. Each day I wake up and say "thank you" because I have been given the gift of another day in which I can work on improving my life. I have faith that I am smart enough to finally learn the lessons that I have repeated way too many times. I have faith that all of those lessons happened for a reason and that there will be a positive outcome. I have reached another one of those points in my life where faith is all I have. Instead of giving up, it is now that I must increase my faith not lose it. 

Be The Spark

     I am starting with 98 cents in my checking account, several overdue bills, a sense of humor and a ton of faith.
     It sounds insane, but I am happier than I have ever been in my life. I think it is because I have finally reached the point of believing in myself. I have repeated the lessons in my life so many times, I am grateful that this time I am handling it differently. Lost is the illusion that someone will come in to fix it, or bail me out. I have decided to be happy and find joy in whatever I do because I have never encountered a problem where wallowing in self pity was the solution! I no longer want to be the person that people feel sorry for. I want to have a spark about me that shows the world that I am strong, completely capable and fully living my life.
     My path has given me the gift of observation. For awhile now, I have been observing how other people need to take responsibility for their lives and how their actions affect others. I could easily see it happening all around me, but remained blind to the lack of responsibility I was taking in my own life and how that affected those closest to me. I just didn't see it. Since the Universe works endlessly at self correction, events in my life finally snapped me awake. What I awoke to wasn't pretty. Rather than obsess over what I had done, what others had done, or the seeming injustice of it all, I decided to drop the drama and work with the Universe towards self correction.
     I know that I have to be the spark in my life. By being that spark, I will affect those around me in a positive way. Instead of criticizing or blaming others for their actions, I choose to only be responsible for my own. Each person has their own lessons to learn and their own life path to follow, I can only work on me. By being true to myself and honoring my life's purpose, I am working with the Universe instead of against it.
     I am the spark in my life and I hope that it spreads and affects others in a positive way. I can't wait to see what happens...

Darkness is just a reminder...

     It appears that I have allowed my life to spiral into a big mess. I thought after the last time, I would keep a clear vision of my life and which direction I was headed. Somewhere in the day to day survival of it all, I fell asleep.
     Last weekend I woke up to see the total shit bath that I had been sitting in for the last year. I became angry, tried to blame others, but mostly I was really pissed off at myself. In my need to control the uncontrollable, I started cleaning my house. As I cleaned the caked on layer of lint from underneath the dryer, I began repeating a mantra in my head. "I am cleaning up my house and my life." It felt good and I kept going until all of the neglected areas of my house sparkled.
     Later in the day, I carved out time to work on my art because it was the only sane thing I could manage to do. I wanted to make a mosaic. I thought if I could take some tiny pieces and make something pretty I would feel better. If I could do that through art, then maybe there was some shred of hope that I could do that with the fragments of my life and make something out of it.
     As I worked, I realized that everything had shattered again, but it had to in order for me to wake up. I began thinking of how grateful I am for my life. I created "Darkness is just a reminder to shine brighter" to help me remember I can't avoid the dark times in life. They just keep coming until you turn on the light. Life tests everyone and you can either be swallowed up by it or you can see it for what it really is - just an opportunity to change what isn't working in your life.
     This time, I am going to handle it differently. My usual pattern is to throw a pity party, invite all my friends and get one of them to feel sorry for me enough to help me out of my self-created mess. I can't do that this time. First off, I know that I must do something differently to get different results, and secondly, I have hosted this pity party so many times that my friends have all stopped attending.
     This time I am going to embrace it, recognize it for what it is, and come through it shining. I want to,  actually I must, do it all on my own. I want to see what I'm made of. Plus, it would be unfair of me to even ask anyone to help clean up my mess. Having been through this before, I also know that my well meaning friends would just tell me what to do, what they think is right for me. This time I need to find out what is right for me. I need to clean up my own mess.   Once again I have been given the opportunity to shine brighter and take responsibility for my choices and actions, knowing that I can take all of the fragments of my shattered life and piece it back together.
Find this and other mosaics at: http://www.etsy.com/shop/raecrowstudio