I'm Not Going To Try Anymore

I'm not going to try anymore. I know that sounds like a whiny, giving up kind of statement, but I am not intending it that way. Trying to do something implies right off the bat that you don't think you can do it. Every time I have tried something, it either meant I was just doing it to please someone else, or that I didn't really think I would be any good at it and didn't really want to be. Trying represents forcing, pushing, struggling, sprinkled with an unhealthy dose of resentment. I'm not talking about stuff like trying a new restaurant, or trying a new activity, because that type of trying is fun, adventurous and I completely encourage it. I am referring to things like "I'll try to get it done" and "I am trying so hard to make this work."

Trying implies something forced - not at all natural. No good ever comes from that. I work best when I do something that I am excited about and that I feel compelled to share. It flows through me in a full-force natural sort of way. I included the picture of my shop banner because that was something that I didn't try to do. When I made it, I didn't set out to. Etsy had recommended using Canva, so I just went on there to play. I experimented with many designs and fonts, just so I could learn what the site could do. I ended up choosing the combination of things that I loved, and my new banner was born. Every time I go into my shop, I like what I see. And I wasn't even trying...

When I created the Goddess, I was inspired by the beauty of a lake near my home. I had walked there numerous times, but on this particular morning, I was overwhelmed by the beauty of it. The emotion flowed through me and I went home and immediately created her. I simply wanted something to represent how I was feeling. I wanted something to reflect how beautiful this planet is and that we need more peace to heal it. Because I love this Goddess and what she represented, I thought she was the perfect addition to my shop banner.

From the creation of the "Peace on Earth" Goddess ornament, to the selection of colors and font for my banner, it just felt right. And I love the end result.

This morning, while walking my dog, I saw this tree and was impressed with the color of the leaves. I love this time of year and this was the first sign I have seen that it really is fall. I quickly snapped the photo while my 80 pound Akita/Boxer was pulling me to keep going. I didn't try to get the perfect shot, I just hit the button. Since it was early and the sun hadn't quite finished rising, the flash went off and I thought "Well that shot won't turn out, I'll have to come back later." I was pleasantly surprised when I got home and took a look at what the camera had captured.

So, moving forward with my business and creating a life that I love waking up to each day, I won't try. I will take positive steps inspired by what I love. I'll bet I end up on an amazing journey that will far surpass the path I would travel if I keep on trying. Sometimes the best results just sort of happen. It may have something to do with the saying "You just need to get out of your own way." I intend to do just that, by not trying. This shouldn't be mistaken for laziness, like I am just not going to do anything at all. Quite the contrary. I believe that my productivity will actually increase because I won't be so busy trying to do something, I will just be inspired to do it!

Since fall is about releasing and letting go, I fully release the need to try to make things happen. I let go and allow life to flow through me. I am excited to find out just how many of my conversations can start with "The most amazing thing just happened..." 

What Next?

Two weeks ago, I held my friends' hand as she was taking her last few breaths. Nothing quite like someone you love passing away to cause you to re-evaluate your priorities. In the small gaps between gushes of tears, I have been thinking a lot about how to live a more fulfilling life. As I was writing Jill's obituary outlining her many achievements, I thought 'What have I been doing?'

It is a little depressing to realize that if something happened to me about all anyone could write was she raised an amazing son, worked way too long in a career field she didn't enjoy, made some art and wrote in her journal. The rest of it would say "She had always planned to travel, be a gypsy, dance in the forest, and set her suppressed wild heart free, helping others to heal through her writing and art." With this realization, I decided that unless I want this to be true, I must get off my sorrow filled butt and do something about it.

I have 85 journals filled with what I'd like to do and a piece of notebook paper that lists what I've actually done. For 47 years, I have lived mostly in my head. It is time to change that and actually live through action, not thought. For the past 2 years, I have been working in a job that I knew wasn't right for me. It took a mini nervous breakdown to make me realize that I had to resign. Then to make sure that I was really paying attention, during my last week of work my friend died. So the month of August consisted not only of a mental and physical wake up call, but a spiritual one as well.

Ok, now you've got my attention. Things are changing - big time. What am I going to do with this? I know I need to change my career path and make writing, art and healing a priority. I also know that I need to get out of my head and share the person that I am. I want to sell my house, buy a 5th wheel trailer, and a truck to pull it. I dream of painting the interior in rich gypsy colors, filling it with velvet and  lace pillows, my favorite books and hitting the road. I want to write of my travels and uncover my soul. I know it is in there, buried under the pain of loss of family, friends, relationships and crusty layers of responsibility and obligation.

It just occurred to me that this sounds a lot like a mid-life crisis. If it is, I say "bring it on" 'cause I'm gonna have an awesome one. I hope it lasts for the rest of my life. I spent 47 years living how I thought I was supposed to and how other people thought I should. Now, I want to live the way I want to, no longer jumping through someone else's hoops. Only my own, once I hula with it.

What I Learned From Jill

Sometimes you learn the most without even trying. This knowledge is gained slowly, over many years, through a teacher who isn't even attempting to teach you anything. It is wisdom you gain through friendship, just by being around someone special.

In addition to being my best friend, Jill is also my best teacher. She has accomplished so much in her life just by doing the things she loves. I love hearing stories about Jill, how she volunteered for the Peace Corp in Gambia West Africa, spent time teaching special education in Hawaii and Florida, and later moved to Colorado where she became the first female Chief of Police in the State. She did some more teaching after that, but I met her when she served as a Case Manager at a local transitional housing program. After she retired, she continued working as a volunteer, delivering meals on wheels and at a local wildlife rehabilitation center taking care of injured and abandoned squirrels. I only worked with Jill for 5 years, but we have remained friends ever since.

I have watched Jill in action for around 15 years. She survived the Lyons flood of 2013, and we worked together (with many, many others) to rebuild her home after the St. Vrain River attempted to wash it away. During this time, she was always making sure that everyone in the town was taken care of. I remember saying to her one day, "Hey Jill, you should let some of the other volunteers do this, you know you lost your house too." But that is Jill, always helping those in need and forgetting that she might need something also. In the days after the flood, Jill would make frequent trips to Lyons to make sure that the squirrels in her yard had food and fresh water.

I have learned so much from Jill. She taught me to always do what you can, to love what you do, to keep going, take time out to be silly and laugh, to give away what you aren't using, to try new things, and to have a big heart. Jill taught me how to help people without enabling them, how to be supportive, encouraging, and how to make a difference.

I am devestated that I had to say goodbye to her on August 31, 2016. I am also feeling so blessed because of all of the amazing things she did in this world, she chose to spend some of her life with me. I am a better person because of her, and I am forever grateful.

Two days after Jill passed,  I heard a squirrel hit the roof of my house. He began squawking and chirping. It was so loud it was bordering on being obnoxious. He kept up a solid stream of loud chirping until I finally looked out the window to see if he was ok. I was hanging out the window and looked up to see this squirrel on the peak of the roof of my house looking down at me. He let out a series of noises that almost sounded like he was laughing. Our eyes met and I felt a connection that could only be described as a "knowingness" that Jill is ok. I told the squirrel "Message received little buddy, thanks!" and he scampered off. I know it sounds like I am just sleep deprieved and a little delusional over the loss of my friend, but I think Jill sent one of her squirrels to let me know she's alright. And even if I am delusional, well, at least it made me smile.

Jill has impacted my life in so many ways and has inspired me to shine my light in this world. I am so blessed to have known Jill and am grateful that she was in my life. There is so much I want to say about this amazing woman, but the bottom line is that she is a shining example of what people can be and has inspired me to continue to grow as a person and to do what I can to make a positive difference in the lives of others.

I love you my dear friend Jill, you will be missed. I will make sure the squirrels are fed.

Finding Opportunity

There's a difference between quitting and knowing when you 've had enough. At first, I didn't understand that they weren't the same thing. I believed there was something wrong with me, that I was horribly flawed and unable to handle what others found easy. I kept pushing myself to do work that I knew was not right for me. I forged on day after day because I told myself that I had to, that there was no other way. Just keep going - hell, I had even labeled the alarm on my phone that way, keep going. I wanted to believe that it would get easier and I would magically one day reach the happiness that would make all of the struggle worth it. What I failed to see was that the end result wasn't my happiness that I was working towards, it was someone else's. I was busting my ass for someone else's dream and wondering why I wasn't fulfilled.

I accepted the job offer almost 2 years ago. I knew in the first week that I had bitten off more than I could chew. I felt overwhelmed most of the time, but managed to keep my head above water and eventually became pretty good at my job. Then a merger happened and my work load drastically increased, but my hours stayed the same. I thought I could handle it, I put in more effort and struggled even more. I gained weight, was exhausted and started having gall-bladder issues. I would wake up each morning around 2:30 thinking about everything I had to do. Sunday afternoon, feelings of anxiety would surface because of the approaching Monday.

I was a stressed out mess. I had been asking for help for over 6 months. Then I realized that it wasn't going to change, there was always going to be too much to do. For the length of my employment there was always something causing an increased workload with the promise of relief to come at a future time. Relief had forgotten to stop by my office and I reached my limit. I sent an email to my supervisor stating that I was too stressed to complete my work that day and that I was going home. I couldn't face her, but I couldn't just walk out because you are supposed to give two weeks notice. In the email I explained that I would be back the next day to complete my last two weeks of work. I felt awful that I couldn't handle myself in a more professional manner. I went home and cried for hours until I fell asleep.

I returned the next day and had a panic attack as soon as I unlocked my office door. It immediately became too hot in there, my heart was racing and I couldn't breathe. I went and sat down and focused on taking slow, deep breaths. I was able to bring myself out of panic mode after about 15 minutes. The next day began the same way, but only lasted for 10 minutes. My supervisor stopped by my office to try to convince me to stay. She suggested I take a few days off and we'd go from there. I did take several days off, but was unable to relax. I was really jumpy and sensitive to sounds and light. I went to the doctor for a solution. I explained that I was experiencing job stress related panic attacks. I am not one to take medication, and wanted to find out how the stress was affecting me and how to manage the stress better. She prescribed Ativan and an anti-depressant used to treat anxiety.  I filled the prescriptions and left feeling like she didn't hear a word I said.

When I got home, I read the warnings on the prescriptions and decided  not to take them. The precautions and side effects seemed way scarier that what I was currently experiencing. I faced a choice. I could continue working at my current job and take the meds to be able to handle it, or I could choose to find (or create) a working situation that would be better for me. I thought about how ridiculous it seemed to have to be medicated in order to manage the stress of your job. Something is very wrong with that scenario, did I really want to be a part of that? It's not like this was popping a benadryl to be able to handle a roomate's cat. Brain chemistry is a delicate balance and messing with it shouldn't be handled in a 10 minute appointment with someone you've never met before. Was I willing to medicate myself to be able to handle a job that I didn't really love in the first place?

I returned to work 5 days later and confirmed my resignation. I learned that I had reached my limit. Instead of feeling like a quitter, I had found strength in admitting that the requirements of this job were too much for me. The pressure had pushed me too far and even though I was feeling better, I knew it wouldn't take much to send me back to feeling like my skin was on inside out. It took a lot of courage for me to admit that I cannot do it all, but now I know that I am not supposed to.

I learned so much through this process. Some of it I already knew, but refused to accept. I am a highly sensitive person, empathic, creative, unconventional and I tend to see things differently than the majority. When you put me in a fast paced corporate accounting department, it is like putting a koala bear in the center of an L.A. freeway. It throws the koala into panic mode and it throws off the drivers in a rush to reach their destination. Sometimes it causes a big wreck and everyone just stops and stares.

I once read that the greatest opportunity can be found when a limit is reached. I didn't just reach my limit, I hit it head on at 100 mph.  So once I recover from the crash, I will find my opportunity. I am smiling already because of the idea that there is an opportunity out there for me. Even if I don't know exactly what it is, I am excited about the possibility of it. I imagine something wonderfully creative, working from home in a calm and nurturing environment. I can't wait to see how this unfolds!

A Perfect Message

On the drive home from my day job my thoughts drifted to my future. I have become increasingly agitated with my current career choice. Where I am no longer suits me and I am completely unfulfilled. For as long as I can remember I have wanted to be a writer. Life circumstances have pushed it aside but I always return to my desire to write. Lately I have been giving a lot of thought to what I want to do next in my life. I know that my soul cries each day that I stay in my current line of work, I need something more.

I was stopped at a red light on my way home tonight and my thoughts returned to my writing. I asked myself "What ever happened to the woman who wanted to write her stories in order to help others to heal?"  At that moment, a single white feather floated down from the sky right in front of my car. If that is not a sign from the Universe, I don't know what would be. I smiled the rest of the way home, knowing that I must return to the part of me that wants to write.

I have abandoned my writing for various reasons over the years. At times I was too distracted by other people's problems that I thought I needed to fix. Other times it was because I was stuck in survival mode. I hate to admit this one, but I have even given up on my writing because of the opinion of family. Each time I abandon it, writing finds it's way back. And here it is again, bubbling up to the surface. I must write. I have tried and been unsuccessful at most everything else, trying to avoid it or to pretend writing is not was I am supposed to be doing. You know that phrase that says something about doing the thing that you resist the most? Well it is true, I resist it but secretly really want it but am scared of it all at the same time.

I have finally reached the point of having to do it. I never really tried, gave it my all, really put forth my best effort. I have hundreds of journals filled with pages about wanting to write and why I don't. It's actually quite pathetic. Years and years of journals that all say pretty much the same thing, "I want to be a writer." I really want the next stack of journals to be filled with "I am a writer" instead.

When I left my last job to pursue my art career full time, I never imagined that I would have to return to a day job. It was the ultimate betrayal to my soul. I really thought that everything would just magically fall into place because I took such a leap of faith. As a few bills started piling up, I panicked and lost faith in myself. It got a little too scary and I jumped back into the safety of a steady paycheck. I need to make sure that I play it a little smarter this time with a smooth career transition instead of a manic leap.

I get upset when I think about how stupid it is that so many people are forced by circumstances to spend so much of their waking hours doing things that they don't enjoy just to survive. It does not seen right to me. I really believe that we all have things we are good at and enjoy doing that we can make a living at. I just need to prove it, and lead by example. My first attempt didn't turn out so well, either did my second. Maybe the third time really is the charm. I hope so, and if not what choice do I have but to just keep going? My name is Rae Crow and I am a writer, artist and healer. And one day, dammit, I will be able to make a living at it!

I Am Strong Enough

I Am Strong Enough

I am strong enough to leave unhealthy relationships.
I am strong enough to stand up for myself.
I am strong enough to come face to face with what I fear.
I am strong enough to look at myself and see what I need to work on.
I am strong enough to conquer my addictions whether they are to people, substances or behaviors.
I am strong enough to pursue a career that I love.
I am strong enough to travel my own path, even when those I care about disapprove.
I am strong enough to say "no" so that I have time to nurture and heal myself.
I am strong enough to love being me.
                                              - Rae Crow

I made this Goddess and wrote this poem as a tribute to my own personal healing journey. I hope that it will inspire others to realize that they too are strong enough. Although each persons journey is different, we all have things to overcome and heal. I use my Goddess during meditation, when I need to remember my strength and find solutions to any challenges.

Custom Goddesses are available here: https://www.etsy.com/listing/199690389/i-am-strong-enough-empowerment-goddess?

Willingness to Release

     This week I focused on release. I created this Goddess to honor the assistance I received when I asked for help in releasing things in my life that no longer suited me. During the past year, I have made huge progress in releasing people and situations that were not healthy for me but I had several things about myself that I wanted to let go of. It was time to let go of personal behaviors that no longer suited me. Sometimes change is gradual and subtle, like you just naturally outgrow something and aren't really sure exactly when or how it happened.

     Other types of change are more drastic. That is what I experienced this week. I had been pushing too hard to make things happen. I learned that forcing, pushing and acting out of fear only makes the thing you are asking for move away from you. I was acting out of sheer desperation and it only brought me to a meltdown. I had no choice but to surrender and ask for help making necessary changes in my life.

     When I used to think about wanting to change, I viewed it negatively. I had the belief that I was bad or wrong and if I changed, I would be viewed as good and worthy of reward. Now that I have implemented change I can see that I've always been good and deserving but my behaviors weren't in line with the highest intentions that I have for myself. Therefore, my actions were causing me to feel bad about myself , lowering my vibration and draining my energy. Hardly the right environment for receiving abundance. So it wasn't that God/Goddess was punishing me (old childhood belief that I can now release,) it was that I wasn't living in a way that made me feel good about myself. That made it impossible to attract the things I wanted in my life.

     Now that I have made some changes, I see movement in my life and things are beginning to flow to me. I also see that the "things" aren't actually the reward. The best reward for the changes I've made is how I feel about myself. I am proud of myself for being true to me and being one step closer to the highest intentions I have for myself.

     It is amazing how things unfold once you make a commitment to something. I made a commitment to create the life I want and the tools to help me just showed up. A few of the things that really helped were asking for help from God/Goddess and the Angels, Doreen Virtue's book Angels of Abundance (which I downloaded here: http://www.amazon.com/Angels-Abundance-Heavens-Messages-Manifest-ebook/dp/B00IOX0744/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1405179356&sr=8-1&keywords=angels+of+abundance+doreen+virtue ) I also came across the most useful sentence I have ever heard. Thanks to Marie Forleo for saying "And there is plenty more where that came from." If you haven't already seen Marie TV, I highly recommend visiting: http://www.marieforleo.com/ Marie has been extremely helpful since I have decided to pursue my dreams as a writer and artist. I should also mention Marianne Williamson and her book A Woman's Worth (http://www.amazon.com/A-Womans-Worth-Marianne-Williamson/dp/0345386574 because reading that book was what really prompted my journey and gave me the courage to leave unhealthy relationships. I am grateful for all of the assistance I received in making changes. I know that life is ever changing and I will continue to change and grow. I really feel that I just made it through a significant personal transformation and it was able to occur because I was willing to release.

     I have encountered some challenges recently about leaving my day job to pursue my artistic career. I know that the opinions of others are presented to me so that I can solidify my personal beliefs, however I still have some work to do on this or their comments would not be hurting me.

     This morning I was reviewing some unpublished drafts of blogs I had previously written and came across this entry. It was exactly what I needed to hear.

     I have spent far too much of my life trying to fit in and live up to other people's expectations of who I should be or how I should live my life. I have grown restless with the pseudo life I have allowed to be created around me. I have become so frustrated by not being true to myself that I must make a change and start being who I really am.

     My son left a CD in my car and I found myself listening to it every day during my daily commute. I am not really sure how it happened, but I have become a huge fan of Blood on the Dance Floor. There are many of their songs that I really like, but "I don't want to be like you" from their CD Anthem of the Outcast really hit home for me. It brought up a bunch of unhealed crap I had been suppressing for too many years. I was so impressed by this song, that I went to the Denver show last November with my son. We had a great time.

     In listening to this particular song, I was reminded of how I have lived too much of my life under the shadow of my older sister. I found myself crying out years of suppressed pain and would love to send her a copy of this song. We haven't spoken in over 6 years. She continues to send Christmas and Birthday presents, but won't talk to me. I don't get it. Maybe there just isn't room in her born-again lifestyle for an outcast.

     Listening to this song gives me strength, and the courage to continue along the path that I know is right for me. It reminds me that everyone is different, and it is supposed to be that way.
I cannot be someone that I'm not, and I can't be her. I have tried my whole life to gain her approval and to do something that is good enough for her judgmental standards. I know I am wasting my time. I must let go of all of that and just be good enough for me, even if no one else understands it or accepts it.

     I have been working on this for years, but I have a long way to go. I realized this one day at work when it occurred to me that I am not an accountant, yet my career path has put me in a "respectable" position of bookkeeping to support myself and my son. Yet I long to create, which I do on evenings and weekends. But I laugh at myself every day at work because I am a bookkeeper, earning a living in the shadow of my sister, the accountant. It is sucking the life out of me. I am an artist, and I should be spending all of my days in the studio, not entering numbers in a computer. The funny thing is that my sister doesn't even know where I work, or what I do.

     I need to make changes and be true to myself. Stop repeating past mistakes and trying to live someone else's life. I need to start living my own. I long to fully be myself, live fully, and not care what other people think. My son is teaching me that. He took a stand against conformity and spends his days creating music, singing, observing and relaxing. I can't live his life either, but if I am modeling my life after someone else's I would be a lot better off following his example.

     After going to this concert, I  made a decision to stop trying to be someone that I'm not. I am a free spirit, bohemian, gypsy soul and that's ok. I can dye my hair blue if I want to. I can create art and write. That is what I am meant to do. Let someone else be the pencil pusher if that's what makes them happy, maybe they are designed for that.  I am designed to create. In this new year, I dedicate it to saying "NO" to things that don't suit me. I am not mainstream, and I don't have to get in line.

     Since the writing of this draft over a year ago, I have left my day job and am pursing my creative career full-time. I love being able to work from home, creating things that bring joy to others. In reading my earlier writing, I have renewed faith in what I am doing and it helped me to remember that I live my life for my own happiness and share that with others. It does not benefit anyone if I live my life trying to meet other peoples expectations because I have found that you never "win" their approval and you are just miserable in trying. It is better for all involved to be true to yourself and follow your own path. 

We Need to Heal This Place

My morning adventure with my dog Cody led to one of the most beautiful moments that I've experienced in a really long time. Working from home, I am blessed with plenty of time to devote to the sacredness that is our morning walk. Today Cody decided to lead me to the lake about a mile west of our home. It is a beautiful place, especially early in the morning. Cody had stopped for the hundredth time to sniff at yet another humanly undetectable scent. I looked out across the lake towards the majestic spread of the Rocky Mountains. I was overcome with the beauty and peacefulness of it. Even though I am a Colorado native, it was like I was seeing it for the first time. Tears welled up as I remembered to thank God & Goddess for such a beautiful place to live.

During my thoughts of gratitude, it popped in my head that this place is so incredibly beautiful that we have to heal this place. Suddenly I was flooded with the feeling that healing starts with each person's happiness. For a moment I felt all of the pain and fear of people living disconnected lives. I am glad it only lasted a moment. Then I felt an incredible wave of peace sweep over me. The following sentence echoed in my head, "It begins with how we treat one another." I began thinking about my interactions with people and how I could improve. I am generally a friendly person and have been accused on more than one occasion of being "too nice." Sure, I could stand up for myself a little more, however that can be done respectfully.

On the walk home from the lake I thought about my experiences with people being mean and the times when I have acted out of anger. I thought about humanity and how we all have the capacity to act either with kindness or cruelty towards one another. It occurred to me that most people lash out due to stress, or when things don't go the way they think they should. I know that holds true for me. Now that I am blessed with being able to work at home doing what I love to do, I am much happier. I rarely get angry anymore. It got me thinking that if everyone could do what they love to do for a living, making enough money to adequately support their families, if humanity would start being nicer to each other. Most fights are about money, power or control over something. If everyone had enough, would the fighting stop? If everyone was fulfilled in their own lives, would they stop trying to control everyone else?

As soon as I got home I went into my art studio to create something to capture my moment by the lake. I wanted it to represent connection to the earth, healing and peace. My peace on earth Goddess is what came through. Every time I see her I remember just how beautiful earth is and that we have the power to heal our earthly home.

I created this Goddess from white polymer clay with a pearl mica powder overlay. I added a tree agate stone because it is known for deepening one's connection to the earth.  To see more photos of this Goddess, go to: https://www.etsy.com/listing/194819985/peace-on-earth-goddess-totem-spirit?

Art is More Than a Hobby

     My teenager and I became immersed in a deep conversation last night that lasted until 2:30 this morning. He came to me feeling a upset about some things that his best friend had said to him earlier in the day. They were discussing plans for their future, as most teenagers do when they are on the brink of adulthood. His friend has a very set plan of joining the military and going forward from there to do police work. Even though my son does not want such a path for himself, he respects his friends decision to pursue that for his future. When it came to my son's plans, the respect was not reciprocated.
     I have raised my son with very open beliefs, trusting that only he knows the correct path for his happiness. Whatever he chooses to do, I am supportive. He is wise beyond his 17 years and I fully trust his ability to choose his path to happiness. He is a highly creative individual and thrives in being able to express himself creatively. He is not a textbook learner and the public school system failed him. He was bullied by his peers, made to feel inadequate by his teachers and the school administration. He left there with a total distaste for formal education. He has taken his learning into his own hands and despite pressure from his Dad and Grandparents, has found what works for him.
     He has a natural born talent for singing and playing piano. Completely self-taught, he is thriving. He does not fit into the mold of a traditional teenager and finds no use for things like high school dances and sporting events. He would rather spend his time in quiet reflection and observation of the world around him. He is such a loving soul and it pains him to see people unhappy. He believes that life is meant to be lived in the moment with full joy, not slaving away in an dead end job only to squeeze in moments of joy on weekends. He is passionate about living life doing what he loves to do, not what others expect him to do. I agree with him and am amazed at his ability to see this at 17.  I didn't see it until I was in my forties.
     He recognizes that he is not doing things in a society conforming way. What he doesn't understand is why his best friend is judging him and condemning him for wanting to choose a different path. Upon hearing of his future plans, his friend commented "Art is a hobby not a career, so what is your back-up plan?" The discussion went on from there to reveal that his friend doesn't feel like writers should get paid because all they do is write stories.
     This triggered something in me. I was so angered by this shallow viewpoint that it prompted me to reflect on my beliefs about my artistic life. I believe that people should love what they do for a living and that everyone has unique talents that are specifically designed for them to live a life a true happiness. Each individual is part of the whole and that all of our parts are equally important, regardless of how it is viewed by a hierarchical society. Every individual has the right to live their dreams. So to all of the people trapped by societal beliefs, I say, "Art is more than a career, it is a way of life. You can do what you love to do and you should settle for nothing less than your ultimate happiness."
     Mosaic art makes me happy. Whether I am making hundreds of polymer clay tiles, or setting pieces of glass, I am at peace. I have never held a traditional job where I could say that. I take extreme pride in my work and enjoy the process of creating mosaic art. I pour my heart and soul into every piece. I am so grateful that I have finally found what I love to do and I am determined to make a successful career out of it. In so many ways I already have because each time I work on a project and feel peaceful and happy, I am successful. Art is so much more than a hobby for me, it is my career and my life. I hope to continue to set a good example for my son by pursuing my dreams and by making a living doing what I love to do!
     

I'm Changing Roads

The simplest of realizations crossed my mind recently. It came in the form of of a question that led to the realization. "Why do you spend so much time and energy getting to where you don't want to be?" In addition to that, why was I also exerting so much effort to stay there? Maybe I thought that I had to. When I realized that I needed to stop the exhausting efforts to get to and stay in a place that I didn't really want be in the first place, something shifted. It was so simple, I'm a little embarrassed that it took me so long to figure it out. Why did I put so much effort into being stressed and unhappy?
     I know what I love to do and what brings me joy, so why am I only allowing myself that feeling 1 or 2 days a week? The other days I drain my soul doing something that I know is not right for me. Time to change the road I'm on.
     In order to do this, I must put aside the analytical process and just go with my gut. It seems completely insane to even consider leaving the safety of my day job while I'm living paycheck to paycheck and have a whopping $30.14 in my savings and no retirement. But that is exactly why I have to, plus it makes for a way better story. It would have less inspirational impact if I decided to do this once I had a year's worth of salary saved up and my mortgage paid off. Too safe. Where's the adventure in that?
     Today I make a commitment to myself and what I love to do. I will put full faith in the Universe to  guide me to where I really want to be. I'm not sure exactly where that is, but I guarantee it is not barely scraping by and being exhausted and spiritually drained from a job that is not right for me. I will use feeling as my map, If it brings me happiness then I will do it. If it doesn't feel right, I will not say "yes" when inside I am screaming "NO!" I will not do things just to please other people into liking me. I will please me in order to like myself. I commit to a life that brings me joy and happiness.
     I created this mosaic as the beginning of a new journey. Since it's creation a few months ago, my life has started to change direction. My day job has ended and I am moving toward the direction of my dreams. I have witnessed how making a commitment to myself and the life I want to create has shifted events in my life in my favor. I have always wanted to work from home doing something I love to do. The Universe has given me that chance. It doesn't matter that I am 45. It wouldn't matter if I was 85. I have been given a gift. The gift of knowing that my life is of my own making and that there is always time to change the road you're on.

Ruby Tuesday

This morning on the way to work I heard the song "Ruby Tuesday." I was flooded with feelings of longing for the free spirited person I was 27 years ago. Singing the lyrics brought up a few tears and many memories of my red '66 mustang which I named Ruby. My friend Pam and I listened to the Stones religiously back then. The name suited my car as well as it's driver's untamed spirit. I was 18, never at home and loving every minute of freedom that Ruby gave me. Some days we would drive right past the high school where I was supposed to be getting prepared for life. Back then I was more interested in experiencing life than hearing a lecture about it. Rarely having a destination in mind, Ruby would take me to the mountains where we would sit and listen to the Stones and take in the beauty of nature.

Hearing that song again makes me want to jackhammer away at the years of emotional concrete that life has poured on me in an attempt to crush my spirit. I want to break free from the weight of all of the crap that life has thrown at me and fully commit to my dreams. I haven't let those dreams slip completely away, I just haven't found my way to them through all of the cement. That song reminded me of how free I used to feel, and how I used to believe in myself. It is long overdue for me to feel that way again.

I recall questioning myself when I named my car, I really wasn't sure at the time why I did it. Now it makes perfect sense. Maybe on some level, I was sending out a message for me to remember now. It is time to free yourself because it is the only way to be. I don't have my ruby red mustang anymore and have lost touch with Pam, but I just reconnected with my Ruby Tuesday soul.

As I neared the turn to work, I smiled with the thought of just driving right past it. I turned anyway and went to work. Something inside me has shifted ever so slightly and I see myself soon just driving right past my day job and finding the road that will take me to my dreams. Soon Ruby, soon.

Ruby Tuesday mosaic is available at: https://www.etsy.com/listing/180401081/heart-with-wings-mixed-media-mosaic-wall?ref=shop_home_active_1

I Believe in You

I began this mosaic over a year ago. I wasn't happy with how it was turning out, so I stopped working on it. It sat on the corner of my art table, getting increasingly buried under sketches of other projects and supplies.
Last night, I was getting ready for bed and an image of the abandoned mirror popped in my head. In a flash, I knew exactly what it needed, a wash of acrylic paint.
Instead of proceeding with sleep, I returned to the art studio and grabbed a variety of metallic paints. I tested the various colors on a few of the tiles that I had made that weren't glued to the frame. I tried emerald, blue, teal and purple. The metallic purple was the clear winner. I grabbed a paintbrush and got started. It didn't matter that the frame was only half covered in mosaic tiles, I just had to see how it was going to look. As I wiped off the paint, I got a little teary-eyed - I loved it!
With a flash of inspiration, I was able to revive a dead project, one I thought about throwing away. It is amazing how if you give something enough time to rest, it will bloom into something more beautiful than you originally thought it could be. As I read the words "I Believe in You" the tears welled up again. I heard that little voice telling me, "Why do you ever doubt your ability to do what you were born to do? It shouldn't even be a question - ever." Just that one idea changed a lost cause into something beautiful and restored my faith in my ability to create.

Faith

     Faith is my only choice. I must have faith that everything will work out. That is the only thing that I have left to hang on to. I have let go of everything else. I have let go of the idea that anyone else is the answer to my prayers. I have let go of thinking that people will take responsibility for their lives and do the right thing. I have let go of all false expectations. By doing this, I have found peace.
     I have faith in myself and faith in God. I don't expect God to instantly fix all of my mistakes (although I am still open to that as an option) but I do have faith that I will be gently guided as to how to fix them myself. I have faith that I can change the things in my life that are no longer working, and I have faith that I will be shown how. Each day I wake up and say "thank you" because I have been given the gift of another day in which I can work on improving my life. I have faith that I am smart enough to finally learn the lessons that I have repeated way too many times. I have faith that all of those lessons happened for a reason and that there will be a positive outcome. I have reached another one of those points in my life where faith is all I have. Instead of giving up, it is now that I must increase my faith not lose it. 

Be The Spark

     I am starting with 98 cents in my checking account, several overdue bills, a sense of humor and a ton of faith.
     It sounds insane, but I am happier than I have ever been in my life. I think it is because I have finally reached the point of believing in myself. I have repeated the lessons in my life so many times, I am grateful that this time I am handling it differently. Lost is the illusion that someone will come in to fix it, or bail me out. I have decided to be happy and find joy in whatever I do because I have never encountered a problem where wallowing in self pity was the solution! I no longer want to be the person that people feel sorry for. I want to have a spark about me that shows the world that I am strong, completely capable and fully living my life.
     My path has given me the gift of observation. For awhile now, I have been observing how other people need to take responsibility for their lives and how their actions affect others. I could easily see it happening all around me, but remained blind to the lack of responsibility I was taking in my own life and how that affected those closest to me. I just didn't see it. Since the Universe works endlessly at self correction, events in my life finally snapped me awake. What I awoke to wasn't pretty. Rather than obsess over what I had done, what others had done, or the seeming injustice of it all, I decided to drop the drama and work with the Universe towards self correction.
     I know that I have to be the spark in my life. By being that spark, I will affect those around me in a positive way. Instead of criticizing or blaming others for their actions, I choose to only be responsible for my own. Each person has their own lessons to learn and their own life path to follow, I can only work on me. By being true to myself and honoring my life's purpose, I am working with the Universe instead of against it.
     I am the spark in my life and I hope that it spreads and affects others in a positive way. I can't wait to see what happens...

Darkness is just a reminder...

     It appears that I have allowed my life to spiral into a big mess. I thought after the last time, I would keep a clear vision of my life and which direction I was headed. Somewhere in the day to day survival of it all, I fell asleep.
     Last weekend I woke up to see the total shit bath that I had been sitting in for the last year. I became angry, tried to blame others, but mostly I was really pissed off at myself. In my need to control the uncontrollable, I started cleaning my house. As I cleaned the caked on layer of lint from underneath the dryer, I began repeating a mantra in my head. "I am cleaning up my house and my life." It felt good and I kept going until all of the neglected areas of my house sparkled.
     Later in the day, I carved out time to work on my art because it was the only sane thing I could manage to do. I wanted to make a mosaic. I thought if I could take some tiny pieces and make something pretty I would feel better. If I could do that through art, then maybe there was some shred of hope that I could do that with the fragments of my life and make something out of it.
     As I worked, I realized that everything had shattered again, but it had to in order for me to wake up. I began thinking of how grateful I am for my life. I created "Darkness is just a reminder to shine brighter" to help me remember I can't avoid the dark times in life. They just keep coming until you turn on the light. Life tests everyone and you can either be swallowed up by it or you can see it for what it really is - just an opportunity to change what isn't working in your life.
     This time, I am going to handle it differently. My usual pattern is to throw a pity party, invite all my friends and get one of them to feel sorry for me enough to help me out of my self-created mess. I can't do that this time. First off, I know that I must do something differently to get different results, and secondly, I have hosted this pity party so many times that my friends have all stopped attending.
     This time I am going to embrace it, recognize it for what it is, and come through it shining. I want to,  actually I must, do it all on my own. I want to see what I'm made of. Plus, it would be unfair of me to even ask anyone to help clean up my mess. Having been through this before, I also know that my well meaning friends would just tell me what to do, what they think is right for me. This time I need to find out what is right for me. I need to clean up my own mess.   Once again I have been given the opportunity to shine brighter and take responsibility for my choices and actions, knowing that I can take all of the fragments of my shattered life and piece it back together.
Find this and other mosaics at: http://www.etsy.com/shop/raecrowstudio

Masks

Have you ever been around someone who has such a strong presence that you find yourself really drawn to them, but also want to run away from them? They remain fully present in the moment and are able to see all people so clearly that you begin to see yourself with more clarity just by being with them. I have been blessed with such a person entering my life. At first it was extremely uncomfortable to be around and I had many failed attempts at avoiding it. I came to realize that I was just avoiding myself. I learned to embrace the energy and dig deeper into my reactions. I am so grateful that I did. By muddling through it, I am returning to the core of who I really am.

I have not completed this journey, I have a long way to go. I have so many masks that I have allowed people to place on me, and some I’ve placed on myself. I’m ready to be fully true to myself and by doing so, I hope to inspire other people to do the same. I am growing and healing towards happiness, letting go of the pain of repeatedly letting myself down. I am working on healing the holes left by the cleansing of my false self. I am in the process of letting go of people pleasing, letting go of trying, pushing and forcing to make things happen. There is a natural order to all things and I am gently stepping into that. I’m moving out of trying and into being. I have the strength to let my beauty shine through just for me, not for the need to please or impress other people. When I think of how many times I have made a complete and total ass of myself by trying to be what I thought other people wanted me to be, I am a little sickened by it. As I reflect on my behavior further, I am finding it quite hilarious. By trying to fit in, trying to be accepted, trying to fake my strength to impress other people, I actually was denying myself true strength. I also denied myself true acceptance and unconditional love. I am nearing a point of self-acceptance and as I get closer, the opinions of other people matter less.

By dropping all of the masks, I am allowing my true strength and beauty to come through. I am still adjusting to my new skin, but it feels great to just be myself. As uncomfortable as this process has been, it is still my wish for everyone out there to have someone come into their life that will trigger all of their unhealed parts in order for their masks to come off. Maybe that person is already in your life, you are just not recognizing it. It took me awhile to see it too. I learned to embrace the discomfort and wake up to what my reactions were trying to tell me. By doing so, I have begun to pay attention to my reactions to people, recognize the triggers, and work towards healing myself.

It is a great feeling to finally like myself, to not worry about living up to other people’s expectations of what or who I should be. There is great freedom in letting go of wondering what the bitter hearts think of who I am or what I am doing in my life.

Being a Flower

4:00 am is a special time for me. For the past few months, I have been waking up in the 4:00 hour, refreshed and ready to start my day. I have heard that the early morning hours are the best time for spirit communication. God has been calling me consistently in the 4:00 hour. Sometimes it is 4:13, sometimes 4:08 or 4:18, this morning it was 4:48. It is consistently one of those exact times. The accuracy of the wake up call leads me to believe in the significance of it. Instead of going back to sleep, I have learned to use this time to quietly welcome my day.

This morning I grabbed my journal and went out on the back patio to enjoy my tea. It was barely light enough to see what I was writing in my journal. The morning was warm, quiet and peaceful. As the sun came up, I began to admire the wonderful colors of the flowers in my garden. This morning they seemed more vibrant and alive. The plants were so vivid, like they were somehow more than 3-dimensional.

I had been writing about my transition from stressful living to peaceful living. It occurred to me that now I am living more like a flower. Flowers don't stress themselves out with questions like "Where should I grow? What if no one waters me? What if my color isn't bright enough, or I'm not the right shade? What if I'm not beautiful enough? What if the other flowers bloom before I do? How will I live up to their example?" They just grow because that is what they are supposed to do. They are all beautiful. Some are larger than others and some are brighter, but they don't seem to mind. They know they are all beautiful and necessary. When they are mixed together, it creates an amazing bouquet.

I realized that they don't try to be better than the other flowers. They don't compete with each other, they aren't jealous of each other, they don't talk about each other behind their backs and they don't gossip. They don't look at another flower and say "Wow, look at that one, I wish I was more like her." They just accept themselves just the way they are and do what they are supposed to do. Maybe that is why they all bloom effortlessly and are so beautiful.

I've decided to follow that example with my circle of women friends. Remembering to be in the natural flow of life. I suppose a person who lives that way would be called a flow-er, someone who goes with the flow. Funny that flower is spelled the same way but I'd never made the connection before now. Imagine what a beautiful bouquet we will make if we all learn to live like flowers.

Healing My Life Without Getting Out of Bed

I have always been the sort of woman that runs herself ragged trying to get things done, always busy, always doing, pushing, making, trying. My to-do lists are longer than most novels, and if I get something scratched off the list, I just add more. It occurred to me that I was getting my sense of value from the length of my to-do list. While it's great that I am so motivated, it sucks that I am too tired to enjoy my accomplishments.

I was not where I wanted to be in life and with all of the work I had been doing, I should have seen better results. Maybe I was just trying too hard. What I was doing was not working, so I stopped. I needed a restful place to heal my weary body and life. I purchased a really great bed that I absolutely love! I added a super comfy mattress that promotes healthy, restful sleep. (Both of these items can be found at Haiku Designs.) My personal favorite is the Raku bed and the natural latex mattress. I added a silk comforter and a Yokohama floor lamp (also from haiku designs.) I found a vibrant duvet cover at Crate and Barrel.

I created my perfect retreat and added tools that are helping me transform my life. The first thing, an absolute necessity as far as I'm concerned, is You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay. Since my attention span is a tad on the deficient side, I also needed some meditation tools to help me stay focused during meditation. I grew tired of spending hours meditating, only to discover the only thing I managed to do was think of 27 more ways to rearrange the living room. The CD's that work best for me are by Kelly Howell. The writer/artist in me needed some creative space so I added my collection of books by SARK, a journal and some brightly colored pens and pencils. Who better to heal with than the queen of fun, joy, and of course, naps!

I love spending time in my retreat. If I notice myself getting tired or irritable, I immediately go lie down and do a meditation. Within 40 minutes, I am refreshed, inspired and feel great. I love that I am discovering how to relax on purpose. I am nourishing my body, mind and spirit.

I found out that I was avoiding rest because I thought I was being lazy, or if I got too much sleep it was because I was depressed. If I slept in, it was because I was in denial and using sleep as a way to avoid my life. My perspective shifted. I now view resting as a way to rejuvenate my spirit, nurture myself and heal. My time spent in solitude and quiet is very productive. I gain fresh perspective and am able to take clear, inspired action instead of running around like a crazy woman without a map. I am finally able to get out of bed for things that are worth getting out of bed for.

Transformation

I am going through a really intense period of transformation. Things that I previously accepted into my life no longer satisfy me. I want more. I want more income, better health, a more rewarding career, a bigger house, my own bathroom, more fun, more joy, more laughter. I just want more life. Not the kind of life that just goes by day after day, paycheck to paycheck. That is mere existence. I want actual life. The kind that you look forward to every morning when you wake up. The kind of life that excites you enough to get out of bed before you hit the snooze button.

I am determined to create this type of life for myself. These feelings surfaced several weeks ago. I began noticing butterflies and moths everywhere. They are outside my window every time I look out. They fly near my car when I drive. One morning I felt something wet on my arm. I couldn't imagine what it could be. It wasn't raining and even if it had been, my roof doesn't leak. Puzzled, I looked up to find a huge gypsy moth on the beam above me. This gorgeous moth was over four inches wide. I have never seen such a big moth. I wish I hadn't been too busy disinfecting my arm to get a picture of it. What are the chances of a moth dropping bodily secretions on my left arm at 6:00 in the morning in my kitchen? Not odds I could easily locate on statistics.com. It must be a sign. I didn't even know that Colorado had moths that big.

I looked up the symbolism for moths and butterflies. Both relate to what is happening in my life.

Moth: Navigates through darkness through inner knowing and faith. Strong determination.

Butterfly: Uses faith to undergo transition.

I also read something about a butterfly having a life cycle of about a month. Which leads to the symbolism of transforming yourself and your life in a short amount of time. The transformation is so intense that your former self is no longer recognizable at the end.

That's what I want. I am grateful for the changes in my life, embrace them without judgment, and move through them with full faith.

After realizing the beautiful message that the gypsy moth had delivered, I couldn't hold any bad feelings that she pooped on me before I'd even had my first cup of espresso.